Let's Party, The 2023 UMTailgate Themes

9.2.2023 East Carolina -

Noon kick 7am Tailgate,

Theme: The Lowcountry

Nice and easy noon kick to ease us back into our happy place.  Porch swings and seersucker suits. Gonna be blowing the budget on some nice Anson Mills shit and doing my best Sean Brock impression.  Music from the Deliverance soundtrack.  Keep Larry in front of you.

9.9.2023 UNLV -

3:30 kick, 7am Tailgate

Theme: The Street Food

Progressing.  3.5 more hours of tailgate than the previous week.  Plan accordingly.  Had this all planned out in my head and then I got some drunk texts from our old friend Fry Daddy and Jeff.  They made some requests that will probably be incorporated.  But I’m holding true to a little bit of a Night Market theme - think food trucks, carts, and stalls.  Some Thai stuff, some fried stuff, some Phily stuff, some other stuff.

9.16.2023 Bowling Green -

7:30pm kick, 11am Tailgate

Theme: The American Royal

Full smokehouse barbecue spread throughout the day.  Ribs, brisket, pork, sides.  Then an LED lightshow in the big house that would make Dave Brandon blush.

9.23.2023 Rutgers -

Noon kick, 7am Tailgate,

Theme: The Slumber Party

WEAR PAJAMAS.  WEAR PAJAMAS.  WEAR PAJAMAS.  WEAR PAJAMAS.  WEAR PAJAMAS.  WEAR PAJAMAS.  WEAR PAJAMAS.  WEAR PAJAMAS.  WEAR PAJAMAS. Pancakes and bacon and mimosas and things of that nature.  Let’s lounge around and open the Big Ten schedule with a victory over Rutgers.

9.30.2023 AWAY At Nebraska - TBD

10.7.2023 AWAY At Minnesota - TBD

10.14.2023 Indiana -

Kick TBD, 7am Tailgate

Theme: The Retro

Dust off those neon fanny packs and bust out the scrunchies for a 90’s theme with 90’s food and people longing for something that happened in the 90’s to happen again.  I’d tell you to wear 90’s stuff but as typical Michigan fans, we’ve been wearing it for 25 years.

10.21.2023 - AWAY At Michigan State, 7:30pm Kickoff, Tailgate TBD

10.28.2023 - BYE

11.04.2023 - Purdue -

7:30pm Kickoff, 11am Tailgate

Theme:  The Bacchanal

Oxford dictionary defines it as “an occasion of wild and drunken revelry”.  What we’re doing is an homage to Caesar’s -  all Italian, all day.  Sinatra, Tony Bennett, The Godfather Soundtrack, and someone tell Sister Kristen we can’t drink 10 gallons of negronis like last time.  Also, it’s not going to be cold, quit being a candy ass.

11.11.2023 - At Penn State - Noon Kick, Tailgate TBD

11.18.2023 - Ohio State - Noon Kick, Tailgate 6am

Theme: The Steakhouse

The typical finale. Surf, turf, and Michigan beats Ohio State. On to Indy.

The Themes, The Themes, The Themes 2022

2022 UMTailgate Tailgate Themes

I’ll be damned…the returning friggin’ champions are suiting up in just 10 days, and you don’t know how to dress for the game or which probiotics to take to handle the menu. My deepest apologies. Inspired by 2+ years of Netflix and Quarantine this season’s themes are all centered around movies and television. Get your shit together and remember the golden rules of tailgating: bring something, eat something, clean something. Most of you animals can’t bat .333 on that. Anywho, on with the deets:

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September 3, Noon: Colorado State, The 8-Mile

You’ve only got one shot to prove you know shit from Shinola as we kick off the season mercifully with a nooner. Detroit-themed things will occur, but only the good ones, not the devil’s-night-type ones. I’ll be attempting to recreate Dime Store’s Duck Bop Hash, and post game dogs (which you should stick around for because we haven’t seen each other in a year) will include the full coney treatment.

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September 10, 8:00PM: Hawaii, The Magnum PI

Is this just a Luau with mustaches? Yes. But let’s not mail it in we’ve got a whole day and night together. Dig up that Hawaiian shirt, open the first few buttons, and be cocky. All things pork up to and including a small pig are in the realm of possibilities. Remember we can’t get in until 11am on this day. Also remember to pace yourself.

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September 17, Noon: UCONN, The Mystic Pizza

A breakfast pizza party for the ages. Full disclosure, I’ve never even seen Mystic Pizza, but I have been to Mystic, Connecticut for pizza, and yet not actually to the namesake Mystic Pizza. The movie tagline is “Discover a movie which hits home about love, friendship, dreams and life.” Sounds just like some stupid poetic crap Tuba would say about Michigan Football and Tailgating 20 years ago.. Anyway, again, breakfast pizzas baked on site, maybe transitioning to a more traditional handful of pies as we get closer to kick.

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September 24, Noon: Maryland, The Old School

I had this movie and Wedding Crashers mixed up when I thought of a riff on “Crab Cakes and Football, That’s What Maryland Does” - Sack Lodge (Bradley Cooper) and the idea of Old School being a chance to share some of the over 8000 (not joking) photos I have scanned from The Godfather’s album collection. But there are no rules, and I’d hate to have to base a menu on the food of Old School (ky jelly and KFC?), so some kind of rough combination of the 2 here.

So, crab cakes, yes. But since it’s a nooner, maybe they appear in a Benny? But also I might try to throw together a quick boil. Either way, a little seafood focus is planned. I expect Captain Michigan to show up as Blue, and then turn blue from his shellfish allergy. Somebody bring an epipen.

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October 1, TBD: Iowa (Away)

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October 8, Noon: Indiana (Away)

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October 15, TBD, Penn State, The Bear

That’s right, I’m on the cutting edge of the hottest new Hulu streamers. The Bear, which puts Lip from Shameless in a kitchen, centers around a Chicago Italian Beef joint. So no brainer we’ll be having Italian Beef Sandwiches, the Family Meal Spaghetti from the show, and if I’m feeling all French Laundry, some cola-braised short ribs over risotto. Chance of night game for this one is 75%.

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October 22, BYE

October 29, TBD: Little Brother, The Nacho Libre

A Mexifest of epic proportions as we welcome Little Brother into the Big House. Birria is the flavor of the summer so I’m going to stuff some in a bunch of King’s Hawaiian rolls and add a bunch of accoutrements in the spirit of a Cemita. And yes, I am baiting Captain Michigan to come out of retirement again with this theme. If he doesn’t do Blue with full ear covers and a unitard, I expect him in a cape and mask for this one. Chance of night game 25%…but based on if PSU is/isn’t.

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November 5, TBD: Rutgers (Away)

November 12, TBD: Nebraska, The Christmas Story

We will feast on Chinese Food after the dogs get to the turkeys, have a BB gun shooting contest, give out “A Major Award!”, and put on our ugly Christmas sweaters 6 weeks early as we welcome in Nebraska, led by whoever the interim coach is after Scott Frost is fired before Halloween.

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November 19, TBD: Illinois, The Goodfellas

Our traditional steakhouse theme with a mafia spin. I don’t know what that means either. Just rewatched that scene where Ray Liotta walks Laurain Brocco thorugh the CopaCabana and big boys everybody with $20 bills. He’s in construction. We’ll eat steak and lobster tail and mix in a “Funny How?” or two.

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November 26, Noon: Ohio State (Away)

The Themes, The Themes, The Themes: 2021

September 4, 2021 - Western Michigan: The Luau, kickoff noon

• We welcome everybody back with pork. Sausage and smoked spam sliders, pork belly burnt ends, and pictures of The Godfather from college.

September 11, 2021 - Washington: The Joe Beef, kickoff 8pm

• Night game. Long day. Food will be an ode to this Montreal French-ish homestyle food and bacchanalia paradise

September 18, 2021 - Northern Illinois: The Fleetwood, kickoff noon

• I had a meal at the Fleetwood once at 3am at the counter and my water glass was sitting next to another glass that was catching rainwater from the ceiling. We'll do our best to recreate this atmosphere with all-night diner fare representative of the establishment known for "24-hours of Unreality." Meaty hippy hash, etc, etc

September 25, 2021 - Rutgers (Homecoming): The Jersey Shore, kickoff 3:30

• Excited to get the family together and best that beat up all day. Italian hash in the AM, chicken cutlets, sausage and peppers, meatballs, and Snooki at lunch

October 2, 2021 - At Wisconsin: TBD

October 9, 2021 - At Nebraska: TBD

October 16, 2021 - BYE WEEK

October 23, 2021 - Northwestern: The Godfather, kickoff TBD

• We honor our founder with catfish, fried pickles, sausage and cheese chowder. 

October 30, 2021 - At Michigan State, TBD

November 6, 2021 - Indiana: The Smokehouse

• Smoked meat extravaganza. 

November 13, 2021 - At Penn State TBD

November 20, 2021 - At Maryland TBD

November 27, 2021 - Ohio State

• Surf and turf finale 

The Themes, The Themes, The Themes 2018

So exited to announce that due to the plethora of comment cards I received from The Godfather, we will be completely Breakfast Hash Free in 2018!  To replace the (what I thought was a UMTailgate tradition) hash, I will be working harder to get some more of Godfather's favorite foods on the menu:  Basically, things easily digestible for old people, and that are easy for Pammy to hand spoon into his face.

The talking heads tell me we are but a month away from a pivotal season in Michigan Football history.  By my calculations, this is the 21st consecutive such season.  Whatever dudes.  They're all pivotal.  And they're disappointing on some level to 127 teams, so you're probably going to be pissy come December.  But at least you'll be drunk and overweight.  Here are the ways we plan to numb the pain, the 2018 UMTailgate.com Themes...

**All food, plans, and themes subject to change based on my personal whim and (likely lack of) motivation**

September 1, 2018 - AT Notre Dame 7:30PM, Theme: "Party at The Godfather's Daughter's"

You need to know somebody to be on the list for this event, which is the final straw with regards to the The Godfather's obvious retirement from doing anything tailgate related.  This used to be his time to shine.  He'd have all the undesirables over to his place and provide food, drinks, and even T-shirts!  There'd be vomiting, fights, homeless people sleeping over, and typically a lot of disappointment.  Now he's outsourced it to his daughter, who is trapped in a house divided on a piece of property sizable enough for all of us to pee (and vomit) outside.

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September 8, 2018 - Western Michigan, 12PM, Theme: The Pancake Breakfast

The home season opens with a nooner, so a breakfast theme is appropriate.  It's probably the only game people will arrive early to, ya know, before they get bitter, bored and lazy.  Pancake breakfasts are typically used as fundraising events, so it's time you all learned of my deep philanthropic ideals.  The breakfast will support the #BassetHoundsToo movement, which keeps canines away from the prodding appendages of the people of East Lansing.  Oooh, just think how excited Sparty is going to be that we are talking about them!  "They recognize we exist you guys!"  Preliminary food plan is: Pancakes, Bacon, fancy syrups and condiments, and probably a quick burger snack before we head in to help those abandoned Bronco bastards continue to un-row their boat.

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September 15, 2018 - SMU, 3:30PM, Theme: Low Country for Old Men

Low Country is a fancy, dare I say millennial, variation of Southern Cuisine.  Old Men are something we have a large quantity of at the tailgate.  No Country for Old Men was a movie that came out the year Michigan lost to App State and featured this super creepy killer dude.  Low Country for Old Men is the name of the theme and a moderately clever pun.  You're welcome.

So ya, Southern.  Preliminary food plan has a morning filled with biscuit sandwiches, sausage gravy, bacon, etc...and an afternoon that has a massive smashed potato casserole, chicken fried steak, and something green.

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September 22, 2018 - Nebraska, Time TBA:  Sheelytown Polish Festival

Sheelytown is apparently also a Polish band that played at this wedding.  Thanks Google images!

We will celebrate Nebraska's rich Polish history with the Sheelytown Polish Festival Theme.  You probably didn't know about this strong connection and the proliferation of Poles in Nebraska, but I'm here to learn you stuff.  OK, to be honest, I would have found a deep Polish connection with some team on the schedule this year.  I've been dying to make pierogis and large vats of pickle soup, and if this kicks at 3:30, I promise to look up what Polish people eat for breakfast too!

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September 29, 2018 At Northwestern, Time TBA, Road Theme TBA

I'll be in Chicago.  I used to have like 10 places to stay out there but everybody moved to South Carolina.  Still looking for that elusive Allinea resy...who wants to sponsor me?

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October 6, 2018 Maryland HOMECOMING, 12pm, Theme: The Goodell

Not sure why they pre-hamstringed Homecoming to a noon kick.  I feel like 3:30 has been the norm of late, no?  Regardless, we will power through with the third in our continuing series of Tailgate Roasts (The Gar 2016, The Godfather 2017) by having the first ever Goodell themed tailgate.  Sure, we could have just done a Captain Michigan theme solely celebrating the masked patriarch of the clan, but then we couldn't throw shade at everybody's (or maybe just my) favorite punching bag, Shane.  We also hope to have all 245 grandchildren on site.

I wanted to outline a couple of ideas I had for this one, but they're too damn good to ruin.  But please bring your own temporary tattoos and be prepared to see Shane sitting in a corner crying over his food.

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October 13, 2018 Wisconsin, Time TBD, Theme: Suntory Times

Follow along with me here:  I wanted an Asian themed tailgate, basically because I want gyoza (all cultures make pierogi folks), fried rice, and Korean spicy pork on the menu.  Wisconsin is sometimes known as Wiscy, Wiscy sounds like whiskey, Suntory is Asian (Japanese) whiskey.  There you have it.  A somewhat forced yet tasty theme with a oyster pail full of cultural misappropriation.

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October 20, 2018, AT Nassar U, Theme: Leave Your Dogs at Home

This is a business trip.  I will not speak of it until it has been completed.

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November 3, 2018, Sandusky State, Theme: Paella Party + Fried Catfish

Back to back games against the world's 2 most disgusting universities!  This theme is an excuse to purchase a commercial grade paella pan setup.  Expect saffron studded rice packed with longiniza and shellfishes, and a pile of catfish done cajun style on the side.  I'm guessing this will be 330 (or maybe later?) so mix in a breakfast or dinner TBD.

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November 10, 2018 AT Rutgers, Time: TBD

He actually did more when he had bad knees.

I wanna wake up in a city, that doesn't sleep...And find I'm king of the hill, top of the heap.

So, ya, I'll be in NYC and take an uber into Pissedthataway.  See you all at Little Branch on Friday night.

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November 17, 2018 Indiana, Time TBD, Theme: Lumberjack

Bust our your flannels for the home finale, which will have the traditional Filet-based tailgate fare, usually with a surf option to go with the turf.  Do you know how close our last gaggle of IU games have been?  They scare the shit out of me.  End of year awards and such typically follow, assuming their not outsourced by The Godfather.

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November 24, 2018 AT Ohio State, 12pm, Theme: Another name for tank tops

This is a business trip.  I will not speak of it until it has been completed.

The Themes, The Themes, The Themes 2017

9/2 Florida - 3:30PM
Note to self: Drink and swear less than last time. 

9/9 Cincinnati - Noon - The Roman 
The team went to Italy for Spring Break and became the envy of the rest of the college football world. We will celebrate with a feast of Roman proportions, with intermittent breaks to visit the vomitorium. 

• Attire: Togas 
• Food (subject to change): Negronis, Aperol Spritz, Appertivo, Polenta Party, Pork Ragu, Sausage & Peppers 

9/16 Air Force - Noon - The Canadian 
Let's celebrate our neighbors to the north and the carefree lifestyle we provide to them. 

• Attire: Mounty hats and hockey jerseys 
• Food (subject to change): Pea-Meal Bacon Hash, Montreal Smoked Meat Sandwiches, Poutine 

9/23 @ Purdue - 3:30 

10/7 MSU - TBA- Swine and Wine  - All pig, all day, and hopefully in to the evening.  Hoping for a night kick here. 

10/14 @ Indiana - Noon 

10/21 @ Penn State - TBA 

10/28 Rutgers Homecoming - Noon - The Old School Pizza Party 
Been a while since we brought our yearbooks out and celebrated just how old this group is getting. Bring old yearbooks, pictures, and memories to share. 

• Attire: Your oldest Michigan Gear 
• Food: Pizzas

11/4 Minnesota - TBA - The Godfather 
A celebration of all things Dennis, from his bow legged stance and kmart jerseys of yesteryear, to his ill-advised bumble bee jersey purchase and his inappropriate relationship with Adam.

• Attire: Jean shorts 
• Food: Grilled cheese, fried catfish, baloney sandwiches 

11/11 @ Maryland - TBA 

11/18 @ Wisky - TBA 

11/25 Ohio State - Noon - The Game 

• Attire: Woodson jerseys
• Food: Breakfast filet mignon with all the fixins