How To Beat Michigan in Six Easy Steps

Rules of the Game

Dear Big Ten Schools That Are Perennial Bottom to Middle Feeders Within Our Conference:

Please print and use this guide as necessary before inviting the Wolverines to your domain. This is a list of what to do if you would like to beat the Wolverines and other travelling foes.

#1. Don't Piss Off Your Away Fans. At Michigan, and at every other Big Ten stadium which I have attended (which only leaves Minnesota's Metrodome) fans of either team are actually allowed into the stadium. In Boilerville, Michigan fans were corralled into high school bleachers, unreachable through the actual stadium, and with it's own gate. The concession stand was slightly smaller than the one we have at Riverview High School, and was run by a group of people that we're obviously left-overs from the long defunct Jack-In-The-Box franchise and we're lucky enough to find gainful employment in West Lafayette. Getting a soda only took me from Michigan's half-ending field goal to three-minutes into the third quarter. The only good thing about it is that I didn't have to endure the parading around of the so-called 'World's Biggest Drum'. Eight feet in diameter, 4 feet wide and at least 10 feet high on its mount, the drum requires four band members to pull it and two to pound on it. However, the real 'World's Largest Drum' is the is the Ireland Millennium Drum, which has a diameter of 15.49 ft and is 6.28 ft deep. Meanwhile, Purdue can continue to debate if it even has the largest drum in college football, with Texas boasting the same claim.

So yes, the stadium experience was less than par. Couple that with the fact that parking is only allowed starting three hours before kickoff, and is limited, other than some key areas 3/4 mile plus from the gate (our private gate, that is) and you've got yourself a problem.

#2. Think Before You Renovate. If you've been to eye-sore that is Ross-Ade in the past, you may welcome the fact that they're two-thirds of the way into a stadium renovation. Luckily, the special entrance we were privied to was on a side that had been completed. In other words, they had bricked-in the concrete with the rust stains, and built a new press-box with what is called 'Club-Seating'. This 'Club-Seating' can be likened to your typical suite in a professional stadium. These seats are for the Purdue faithful that wish to come and celebrate their 511- 443- 48 all time record, and their staggering number of Big Ten Titles, eight, which is just good enough to tie them with Northwestern for 7th place all-time. I heard some great things about the Ross-Ade renovation, more concessions, more bathrooms, etc. These things sound great, unfortunately, I wasn't allowed into the rest of the stadium to see these things. I had an away fan ticket.

Hopefully, the renovation isn't also an expansion. Well into gametime, thousands of seats stood empty....for arguably the biggest home game of the season.

#3. Unless you are Notre Dame, you should never allow your team to wear, and/or have, an alternate uniform. Especially a khaki colored one.

#4. The scoreboard is to be used for informational purposes, the audio system is for your PA announcer, and the video screen suplements the game coverage with the occasional replay. The scoreboard should not be used to garner enthusiasm that your team, fans, and band fail to create by showing clips of 'Braveheart', and asking your fans to 'Make Some Noise' or in this case, 'Boiler Up'. In addition, do not play progressive metal when your team enters the field. Was that Marilyn Manson? John Purdue is rolling over in his grave right now. In addition, try to get a PA announcer with a deep, commanding-voice. The whiny kid you have isn't worthy of your new press box.

#5. If your quarterback is demolishing the competition, leave him in. 'Nuff said. The subbing of Kyle Orton for Brandon Kirsch was probably the biggest coaching faux pas of the weekend aside from Bobby Williams getting to coach at all.

#6. T-shirts containing the F-Bomb followed by your opponents name are strictly prohibited. Bubba found one after the game.

All Things Considered

Hey, you have tp give credit where credit is due. Purdue gave the Wolverines everything they could handle. Change the fate of a couple of field goals and you would have changed the outcome. Purdue stood tall stopping the Wolverines in short yardage situations all day long. More importantly, they did it in key situations. Thus the reason the Wolverines amassed 420 yards, but only 23 points en route to the 23-21 victory in West Lafayette on Saturday.

Up Next: The Hawkeyes for Homecoming and Tuggy's update on Thursday. Stay tuned.


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