The Post Where I Study the Western Michigan Release in Detail

Tim Allen....Bronco

My apologies to those that thought that the "Western Michigan Release" was something you get from a drunk Bronco coed at Wayside West.  This is about the game notes, or "press release," which I guess could be confusing too....might be what Drew Sharp does when all the teams in the state lose at everything.

But I digress...

We start with a hard look at the "Did You Know?" section, which informs us that this, the 132nd season opener in Michigan history, is the first of five consecutive home games.  We haven't started with that many at home since 1976.  And 1976 was an amazing year in world history, as I was born that year.  The home slate started oddly with Wisconsin, then interesting matchups with Stanford, Navy, Wake Forest, and Sparty.  We outscored our opponents 234-51 in that five game span, which included a 70-14 punishing of the Midshipmen.  Ricky Leach was under center that year, and adorned the cover of Sports Illustrated's college football preview issue.

Moving on to "Quick Hits," we find that Michigan has a 108-8-2 record all time in home openers, including a 15-3 record in the last 18 games.  You remember all three of those losses well....very well.  Donavan McNabb showing us how unprepared we were for a mobile quarterback back in 1998.  9 seasons later, Armanti Edwards showed us how unprepared we still were for a mobile quarterback on the way to the biggest upset in college football history.  In 2008, we fell to Utah in RichRod's debut as Brian Johnson threw for 300+...and one of our quarterbacks was the second string kid from Pioneer High School.

A page or two down, we've got the "Tale of the Tape", and while it's pointless to compare a team that played in the MAC to a team that played in the Big Ten, it's still worthwhile to remember some of the glaringly awful stats put up by last year's Wolverines, ya know, just to keep you grounded going into Saturday.  In 2010, Michigan was 4 out of 14 kicking field goals.  Shut it down.  Turnover margin was -10.  The defense allowed 35.2 points per game on average, as well as 450.8 yards.  Those are all records.  Seriously, I didn't even check....those are all records.  

But hey....let's look at some good news as we take "A Look Back at 2010."  Michigan led the Big Ten in total offense last season, was 2nd in passing offense and 3rd in rushing offense.  It set a school record with 6353 total yards, going over 500 yards in a game in 6 of 12 games...I guess we're ignoring the bowl here (342 total yards, for the record).  Michigan scored 24 touchdowns on drives that elapsed 2 minutes or less, and scored 10 touchdowns on drives that took three plays or less.  In 2011, we won't have a single drive that lasts less than 2 minutes.  We'll turn three-and-outs into 4 minute drives...good or bad...who knows?  Time of possession as a measure of anything is up for debate, mass debate if you will (say it fast).  Also of note, we had 419 yards passing in the Illinois game last year...we will not have a 300 yard passing game this season.

We're on page 7 now, and I'm looking at "Wolverine Bites," a section that will no doubt have a picture of our faithful mascot whenever that debacle goes through.  For now, it's adorned with the smiling face of Denard, and that makes me (and everyone) happy.  I know MVictors touched on this earlier this week, but Tate Forcier is #10 all time in completions in Michigan history.  That kinda blows my mind.  He passed Drew Henson last year.  Weird.  Looking at Denard's place in Michigan history, he was on pace to break pretty much every record in the book, both rushing and passing, before this coaching change.  I know he's not going to be able to carry us as much this year, and that's sad, but also maybe good?  I don't know.  How he is used is going to be THE topic of discussion all year.  How is Denard going to handle his role?  How much second guessing is going to be going on?  At what point are we going to clamor for him to be cut loose?

On to page 9, and looking at win-loss details in the "2010 Michigan Record When..." section.  4-0 in September stands out.  Early success hasn't turned into much lately.  Octobers have really sucked in the past 3 years.  Also, my biggest criticism with last year's staff was their lack of halftime adjustments.  Michigan was 0-6 in games in which they trailed at the half.  That's coaching...somewhat.  And it's also something that needs to be addressed in the lockerroom.  It's a mental challenge for a group of men that don't know what it's like to make a comeback when down at the half.

Finally, let's take a peak at "Brady Hoke's Year-by-Year Coaching Record."  It should be mentioned that Hoke was a part of the only two teams in Ball State football history to go undefeated in conference...first as a player (1978) and then as coach (2008).  I know you know this but seriously, Hoke led Ball State to a 12-1 record in 2008.  That's kind of a big deal.  He also led San Diego State to a 9-4 record, somewhat of a big deal.  He accomplished both of these things in a span of 3 years.  That's the good news.  The bad news is that he is 47-50 all time as a coach.  I don't know what that means for what he is going to do at Michigan, probably nothing.  Especially since I think despite the magic that has happened with regards to the 2012 class, Brady's greatest recruitment since arriving on campus was that of his assistants.  

Time to see what they can do with what they've got.  2 days.

Knee Deep in the Two-Deep

Nobody really knows before at least a few Saturdays in September what is really going on in college football.  How do you predict results for rosters that exchange out 25% of their players on a year-to-year basis?  You can't.  And that's why the pre-season top 25 is never remotely close to the post-season top 25.  That makes the pre-season the best time to be delusional.  I'm usually pretty good at being delusional.  

For the last few years you just closed your eyes and hoped for the best from the mad offensive genius that was Rich Rodriguez.  He made things so difficult to predict, for the most part because he was not Lloyd Carr.  Lloyd-era teams were a lay-up to prognosticate.  Lloyd Carr teams should have won every game...but we always knew they wouldn't.  They would always get caught once or twice trying to run out the game clock just after the half, and there were always one or two games where they came out bored and couldn't recover from the early momentum of opponents that spent the year thinking about beating Michigan.  Mix in a less than 50-50 chance at bowl victory, and you've got yourself 2-4 losses.  That's Michigan.  Good news and/or bad news...the man referred to by EDSBS as Lloyd Carr holding a Matt Foley puppet is at the helm...yep, Lloyd's back.

The two-deep roster for Western Michigan hit the press with the customary "weekly release" from Fort Schembechler.  I swear, each and every year I start the season thinking about how if everything goes perfectly, there's a way for us to win all of our games.  You say "it's one in a million," and I say "so you're saying there's a chance."  That's the Maize goggles I wear.  But I've been staring at this sheet for a day now.  And there are a lot of issues.  Glaring issues.  There are still walk-ons making an impact on this sheet.  And while that's great for gym rat intra-mural champions everywhere, it actually means we have players on the team that got beat by a walk-on.  Whether that's because of attrition or nutrition I don't really give a shit...because it's not because these guys are soooo good we had to give them a look.  It's because we're sooooo bad, that warm bodies are a slight upgrade from putting 10 men on the field.

The special teams portion of the roster is "OR" ridden.  I subscribe to the policy that if you don't have one kicker, then you don't have any kicker...and that seems to be the case here.  According to Coach, Gibbons is apparently good from about 45-yards and closer, and we're going to give the nod to the Freshman if it's any further than that.  I have a suggestion, anything further than 30-yards and we should be GOING FOR IT ON 4TH DOWN.  When all else fails...I trust the Desmond-like smile of Denard.

Hagerup's suspension really screwed us.  Practice reports say Wile is not ready for prime time, and I refer you to last year's Ohio State game (which we didn't lose BTW) to get an idea of what Seth Broekhuizen has going for him.

There's a 4-way "OR" for punt returner.  That means we get to go through the growing pains of four different guys mis-playing punts.  I still vote to rush eleven and let it roll.  More yards for Denard.

Speaking of which, there's only two QBs on the roster thanks to Tate being mildly retarded, and I can't help but think back to last year when Denard started about twice as many games as he finished.  So...Gardner is going to certainly see the field.  If something were to happen to him we do what?  Paging Jack Kennedy?

What did Odoms do?  Is this punishment?  He's basically the last receiver off of the bench.  This is not boding well for Dreads-to-Dreads numbers.   

**UPDATE**  Odoms was wearing a bulkier protective device on his wrist at Tuesday's practice...so this looks like it's injury related.  My bad.

Anyway, I see a lot of frustration ahead.  None of this takes into account the fact that there is a completely new system on both sides of the ball, that the only thing that was worth watching last year (Denard) is now going to be handcuffed Pryor-style by Borges-ball, or that the defense is rocking the same personnel aside from two guys that are returning form injury (Jones & Wollfolk) and haven't been a part of a meaningful snap since 2009 (assuming that anything was meaningful in 2009).

Ugh.

Nothing Else Matters

2006.  Michigan vs. Ohio State.  The Game of the Century...5 years ago.  Way back when Mike Hart played here...before he retired from the NFL and became a coach at Eastern.  And it's the last time we played for something.  The last time that any of this meant anything.  That day will never be forgotten...the emotions we felt with the loss of Bo, #1 vs. #2, a shootout at the horseshoe, and a loss.  Since then, the list of horrors is long and distinguished.  Appalachian State, Toledo, Sparty, Sparty, Sparty, hook and lateral at Purdue, a continued dominance by the Buckeyes, countless home losses, nine losses in a season, coaching changes, players leaving, players offered scholarships but not admitted to the university, NCAA sanctions, missed bowl games, and an embarrassing bowl loss that had me looking for the exit at the half.  

Things are not good.  But there's not one of us that don't think that things are going to be better.  The 2012 recruiting class looks great on paper already, and that is the future.  And while it doesn't fix the scars of the past, in a mere 5 days, we will find out what it means for the present.

So many changes in such a short amount of time.  New coaches, new offenses, new defenses, new athletic director, new stadium, new scoreboards, new conference alignment and championship game, new athletic apparel provider...hell, we've even changed tailgate spaces twice.  We're going to play a night game at Michigan Stadium this year in alternate home uniforms.  Yep, that's change.  The NFL-ification of the program has been much maligned recently, as Dave Brandon attempts to take the Michigan "brand" to another level.  Rumors of a mascot, considered because "kids can't take a picture with a block M" added fuel to the fire, while the "no non-conference away games outside of South Bend policy" was sour grapes for the college football purist and the travelling fan base.  Mix in a 2014 schedule addition of a rematch with Appalachian State, and some people are downright angry.  And sure, they have every right to be.  It's tough to make sense of any of it.

But when all is said and done, what will be important is the thing that changed the least, the personnel that will take the field on Saturday.  Part of the most disappointing and unsuccessful stretch of Michigan Football in history, it will be the job of "those who stayed" to turn this thing around, to get Michigan back to being Michigan.  The unchanged will have to find a way to change...change the way they play, change the culture in the locker room.  Nothing else matters but winning.  If we win, you'll forget about all of the bullshit.  You'll be lining up next to that furry bastard of a mascot getting your photo.  You'll be buying that stupid striped monstrosity of a jersey on your way out of the stadium at midnight.  You'll be ready to line up against the Mountaineers and show them what it's like to play at the Big House....for real this time. 

5 days.  Luau.  Football.  Go Blue. 

Tailgate Themes Set Through First Five Home Games

Yes, we typically do the whole season in advance, and yes, we typically have these set in April.  But I talked to Brady, and he told me I could do what I want.  That being said, I am still taking suggestions for the remaining three home games.  So email me at youknowwhere if you have a great idea.

September 3rd, 2011:  Western Michigan, 3:30pm

Theme: The Luau

I love nothing more than a 3:30pm kick, especially when there's still hope.  We are going to our old first game standby and having our traditional Luau tailgate.  Leis, flowers, pineapples, Hawaiian shirts, Hawaiian inspired cuisine and fruity drinks.

September 10th, 2011:  Notre Dame, 8:00pm

Theme: The White Trash

Let's all get together and celebrate our inner Downriver...for 13 hours before the first game under the lights in the history of the hallowed ground that is Michigan Stadium.  So show off your tattoos, wear a wife beater, and come and enjoy the first three-meal extravaganza in home tailgate history.  Food still TBD, but I am mulling over a pig roast....lots of logistics to get past for that kind of thing.  Either way, there's going to be a ton of food, starting with breakfast at 7am, and ending with hotdogs at midnight...that's right, the next day.  If you are looking for attire inspiration, go back through the pictures and just wear anything you see Goody wearing and you'll be fine.

September 17th, 2011:  Eastern Michigan, Noon

Theme: The Far Eastern

With our without our unofficial Asian mascot Mitch, we're going to move forward with our Asian inspired theme that will include a pile of MSG-laden delights in quantities unseen outside of a Chinese buffet.  So strap on a kimono, tuck a bedsheet up your ass like a sumo wrestler, and bring your appetite...because we're celebrating the return of Mike Hart to the Big House as he auditions for his future gig in Maize and Blue.

September 24th, 2011: San Diego State, TBA

Theme: The Mexican

The awkward arrival of Coach Hoke's former team will be overshadowed by authentic tacos, fresh fried chips and salsa, guacamole, and various other Latino cuisine as we drink tequila by the bottle and dance on our hats.  Desperately hoping this gets pushed to 3:30 so we can start the day right with Chorizo and eggs.

October 1st, 2011: Minnesota, TBA

Theme:  The Mardi Gras

I just got done watching 2 seasons of HBO's Treme, and I'm ready to take on the food of New Orleans.  I am also ready to exchange beads for boobs, listen to some good music from the Second Line, and be a wide-eyed idiot from drinking too many sugar filled hurricanes.  This is the theme that made us famous years ago, and it will be great to revisit it.

Get your lives in order.  The season is approaching.

GO BLUE!

Weekend Roundup: Punter Needed Edition - August 8, 2011

In, "hey you...you're getting old!" news, Stand By Me opened on this date...25 years ago.  I'd like to think that I have the sensibility and courage of Will Wheaton, with the size, stature, and foot speed of the young, chubby Jerry O'Connell.  And screw you for thinking I'm more like the pie eater.  Anyway, an absolute classic with a bunch of cast members that are dead and/or on drugs, as well as ones that landed supermodels and others that starred in 24...though I still think this was Kiefer's best work.

Teddy: This is my age! I'm in the prime of my youth, and I'll only be young once! 
Chris: Yeah, but you're gonna be stupid for the rest of your life. 

Stupid...like our phenom punter is stupid?  Yes.  Looks like Will Hagerup might be channelling his inner Janikowski (who I draft every year BTW) breaking his double secret probation and leaving us with yet another question mark for the season that starts in less than 4 weeks.  And did Darryl Stonum not fully honor his disciplinary duties...or is Brady Hoke just a genius that saw an opportunity to hold on to an extra receiver for next year?  Food for thought.

In investment news, looks like if you've got some extra cash laying around, it may behoove you to buy a suite rather than a savings bond, according to this article in AnnArbor.com.

ESPN says the Wolverines can only improve on defense, and offer my favorite stat from the RichRod era...

In three years -- or 37 games -- under Rodriguez, the Michigan Wolverines allowed 40 points nine times. From 1935 to 2007 -- or 778 games -- the Wolverines allowed 40 points a total of nine times.

GameDay will be here for Notre Dame, and Maize and Blue Nation reminded me that they were here 3 (!) times in 1997.  That's nuts.  This sideshow will be adding to what will no doubt be the biggest circus this town has ever seen.  13 hour tailgate.  Night game.  Gameday.  A Desmond tribute.  Weird uniforms.  Brian Kelly killing people.  Cue Peter Venkman...

Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!

And allow me to add to that shit show....the theme for week two has been voted on by secret ballot, and it is The White Trash Party.  No better day to lounge around in that stained wife beater of yours, drink some High Life, perhaps roast a pig (or a racoon or something) and fight people that have shamrocks on their clothes.  So, once again, for the record:

WEEK 2: NOTRE DAME, Kickoff 8pm.  THEME:  THE WHITE TRASH PARTY

Speaking of white trash, (segway FTW!) Ohio never ceases to amaze me.  Turns out honoring your fallen coach that was forcibly removed from his job because of his inability to report violations by selling/giving away wristbands to incoming freshman football players may itself be a violation.  (HT:Maize and Brew) So....no more wristbands.  Look for them on Ebay or at a tattoo parlor near you soon though.

Does anybody want to go to Maui?  I really want to go to Maui.  The bracket for the Maui invitational has arrived (via UMHoops), and it fits so nicely in between the Nebraska and Ohio State game, I don't know if I will be able to resist.  Plus, second round rematch with Coach Krizzlecheatypants???  Please.

And some ESPN stuff quickly....Oklahoma is #1, the Big Ten is going to a 9 game schedule (stupid), and a fresh Brady Hoke podcast for your listening pleasure.

Fall camp bitches!

GO BLUE!