So exited to announce that due to the plethora of comment cards I received from The Godfather, we will be completely Breakfast Hash Free in 2018! To replace the (what I thought was a UMTailgate tradition) hash, I will be working harder to get some more of Godfather's favorite foods on the menu: Basically, things easily digestible for old people, and that are easy for Pammy to hand spoon into his face.

The talking heads tell me we are but a month away from a pivotal season in Michigan Football history. By my calculations, this is the 21st consecutive such season. Whatever dudes. They're all pivotal. And they're disappointing on some level to 127 teams, so you're probably going to be pissy come December. But at least you'll be drunk and overweight. Here are the ways we plan to numb the pain, the 2018 UMTailgate.com Themes...

**All food, plans, and themes subject to change based on my personal whim and (likely lack of) motivation**

September 1, 2018 - AT Notre Dame 7:30PM, Theme: "Party at The Godfather's Daughter's"

You need to know somebody to be on the list for this event, which is the final straw with regards to the The Godfather's obvious retirement from doing anything tailgate related. This used to be his time to shine. He'd have all the undesirables over to his place and provide food, drinks, and even T-shirts! There'd be vomiting, fights, homeless people sleeping over, and typically a lot of disappointment. Now he's outsourced it to his daughter, who is trapped in a house divided on a piece of property sizable enough for all of us to pee (and vomit) outside.

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September 8, 2018 - Western Michigan, 12PM, Theme: The Pancake Breakfast

The home season opens with a nooner, so a breakfast theme is appropriate. It's probably the only game people will arrive early to, ya know, before they get bitter, bored and lazy. Pancake breakfasts are typically used as fundraising events, so it's time you all learned of my deep philanthropic ideals. The breakfast will support the #BassetHoundsToo movement, which keeps canines away from the prodding appendages of the people of East Lansing. Oooh, just think how excited Sparty is going to be that we are talking about them! "They recognize we exist you guys!" Preliminary food plan is: Pancakes, Bacon, fancy syrups and condiments, and probably a quick burger snack before we head in to help those abandoned Bronco bastards continue to un-row their boat.

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September 15, 2018 - SMU, 3:30PM, Theme: Low Country for Old Men

Low Country is a fancy, dare I say millennial, variation of Southern Cuisine. Old Men are something we have a large quantity of at the tailgate. No Country for Old Men was a movie that came out the year Michigan lost to App State and featured this super creepy killer dude. Low Country for Old Men is the name of the theme and a moderately clever pun. You're welcome.

So ya, Southern. Preliminary food plan has a morning filled with biscuit sandwiches, sausage gravy, bacon, etc...and an afternoon that has a massive smashed potato casserole, chicken fried steak, and something green.

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September 22, 2018 - Nebraska, Time TBA: Sheelytown Polish Festival

Sheelytown is apparently also a Polish band that played at this wedding.  Thanks Google images! — Sheelytown is apparently also a Polish band that played at this wedding. Thanks Google images!

We will celebrate Nebraska's rich Polish history with the Sheelytown Polish Festival Theme. You probably didn't know about this strong connection and the proliferation of Poles in Nebraska, but I'm here to learn you stuff. OK, to be honest, I would have found a deep Polish connection with some team on the schedule this year. I've been dying to make pierogis and large vats of pickle soup, and if this kicks at 3:30, I promise to look up what Polish people eat for breakfast too!

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September 29, 2018 At Northwestern, Time TBA, Road Theme TBA

I'll be in Chicago. I used to have like 10 places to stay out there but everybody moved to South Carolina. Still looking for that elusive Allinea resy...who wants to sponsor me?

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October 6, 2018 Maryland HOMECOMING, 12pm, Theme: The Goodell

Not sure why they pre-hamstringed Homecoming to a noon kick. I feel like 3:30 has been the norm of late, no? Regardless, we will power through with the third in our continuing series of Tailgate Roasts (The Gar 2016, The Godfather 2017) by having the first ever Goodell themed tailgate. Sure, we could have just done a Captain Michigan theme solely celebrating the masked patriarch of the clan, but then we couldn't throw shade at everybody's (or maybe just my) favorite punching bag, Shane. We also hope to have all 245 grandchildren on site.

I wanted to outline a couple of ideas I had for this one, but they're too damn good to ruin. But please bring your own temporary tattoos and be prepared to see Shane sitting in a corner crying over his food.

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October 13, 2018 Wisconsin, Time TBD, Theme: Suntory Times

Follow along with me here: I wanted an Asian themed tailgate, basically because I want gyoza (all cultures make pierogi folks), fried rice, and Korean spicy pork on the menu. Wisconsin is sometimes known as Wiscy, Wiscy sounds like whiskey, Suntory is Asian (Japanese) whiskey. There you have it. A somewhat forced yet tasty theme with a oyster pail full of cultural misappropriation.

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October 20, 2018, AT Nassar U, Theme: Leave Your Dogs at Home

This is a business trip. I will not speak of it until it has been completed.

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November 3, 2018, Sandusky State, Theme: Paella Party + Fried Catfish

Back to back games against the world's 2 most disgusting universities! This theme is an excuse to purchase a commercial grade paella pan setup. Expect saffron studded rice packed with longiniza and shellfishes, and a pile of catfish done cajun style on the side. I'm guessing this will be 330 (or maybe later?) so mix in a breakfast or dinner TBD.

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November 10, 2018 AT Rutgers, Time: TBD

He actually did more when he had bad knees. — He actually did *more* when he had bad knees.

I wanna wake up in a city, that doesn't sleep...And find I'm king of the hill, top of the heap.

So, ya, I'll be in NYC and take an uber into Pissedthataway. See you all at Little Branch on Friday night.

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November 17, 2018 Indiana, Time TBD, Theme: Lumberjack

Bust our your flannels for the home finale, which will have the traditional Filet-based tailgate fare, usually with a surf option to go with the turf. Do you know how close our last gaggle of IU games have been? They scare the shit out of me. End of year awards and such typically follow, assuming their not outsourced by The Godfather.

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November 24, 2018 AT Ohio State, 12pm, Theme: Another name for tank tops

This is a business trip. I will not speak of it until it has been completed.