Types of Spreads

Football / Tailgating season is but a month away.  Your fair Wolverines have brought in a new coach that will, starting Friday, install a new offense, new look, and new overall gameplan.  And here you are, sitting at your desk, staring at your computer screen, wondering what the new season will bring.  You are not prepared.  But fear not my fair tailgaters, I am here to inform you, educate you, and make you aware of the intricacies of a fundamental part of the Rodriguez revolution.  That is, of course, the spread.  You will be amazed at how familiar you are with some of the variations.  Here's a look at the types of spreads:

  • The Playboy Spread (link not suitable for work of course)Margaret Scott gets the nod for being the first spread of this nature, as her photograph was the first to traverse the boundary of a single page.  Since then, every issue has had a spread...which often has a picture of a spread of a different nature...that will not be discussed here due to tailgating website decency laws.

  • Nutella Spread: Hey, it's "the original creamy, chocolaty, hazelnut spread."  You've seen this jar sitting quietly near the peanut butter in the grocery store, and you may have had the honor of putting it on a piece of buttered toast.  You likely have a friend, or a friend-of-a-friend, that keeps the stuff on hand at all times.  I am that friend.  How can a spread change your life?  How about a grilled banana and nutella panini?  Might be time for you to dust off the George Foreman.

  • Fruit Spread: What's peanut butter without the jelly?  Well, it's just peanut butter.  Traversing the internet for a decent fruit spread link, I found this blueberry spread at Amazon.  It's apparently calorie free, which really freaks me out.  It's food...without calories.  Is that possible?  What's in it?

  • The Spread: This is simple...this is gambling.  The Spread is the amount of points added or subtracted from a team's score at the end of a game to make a bet for either team before the game an even proposition.  For example, Michigan is currently -7 against the Utah Utes.  So, like, bet the Utes.

  • Olive Spread: This is affectionately known in yuppie-ville as tapenade, it's just chopped olives, capers, and lemon juice.  It's a spread that is tasty on crackers that are first hit with a quarter inch of cream cheese.  If you want to get the urge to punch someone in the face, then watch this youtube video on how to make your own.

  • Cheese Spread: This is the undisputed king of spreads.  The Godfather likes to load up a fistful of this stuff on to some Pepperidge Farm's snack sticks.  I prefer the pumpernickel variety, and have been known to go four sticks deep to scoop a healthy amount of cheese myself.  Also, any self respecting Michigander will use Schuler's, as it finds its roots in Marshall, Michigan.  You might also want to go a little retro and eat some pimento cheese spread, just like mom used to make buy at Farmer Jack's...with lots of mayo.  This guy I know takes pimento cheese and adds in chunks of blue cheese to make a dip that would taste good residing on abuffalo chip.  You can also go with the light option, Laughing Cow, if you are a complete wuss.

  • The Spread Offense: In short, it's using the entire width of the field to your advantage.  Try Football 101 at ESPN.com for a summary, then bask in the glory of the idea of running it with 4 and 5 star recruits.