F@$% the Irish

by Tuba

It's confusing to a lot of people, how I can say openly and willingly that I'm a Notre Dame hater. So much so, and much to the chagrin of most at our tailgate, that I loathe them more than Ohio State. There's slight hypocrisy involved considering the uppity nature and high brow fandom that our University has been known to pump out, but I find the Irish intolerable, snobby, pretentious, egomaniacal, smell of their own shit loving, my religion is better than yours claiming, douche bags.

I generally like the Irish as a nationality. They enjoy what I enjoy. Being loud and drinking. They have marvelous poems, songs and limericks and they're a humorous bunch. But not when they're the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame. It seems so incredibly contradictory to what I know the Irish to be. First and foremost, the school is founded on the basis of one religion. The Irish, traditionally have two, Catholic and Protestant (just don't bring it up in conversation and most certainly don't order the wrong kind of whiskey!) In order to be fair and not single out Notre Dame for their promotion of homogeny, let me say that I tend to be fanatical about not be fanatical (unless of course its about Michigan football). So to promote one ideology as the best ideology bothers me.

Second, they're a private institution. Private funding equals agendas. Whoa, whoa, whoa you say. Every higher institution, in some way or another is agenda driven. And public schools get plenty of private funding. However, when you get taxpayer dollars involved, the institution immediately becomes a natural part of the community. What?!? the Notre Dame alum exclaims. We're South Bend and South Bend is us. And I say, "Yes, my point exactly."

Frankly, by writing this column I am contradicting the very essence of my hatred for Notre Dame. I am being completely condescending and pretentious. I can't deny this. Sadly, Michigan maintains some of the same attributes that Notre Dame does. A majority of our fan base enjoys a fine Riesling or Chenin Blanc with their Roquefort but alas, we have diversity. We also have our fair share of beer drinkers, whiskey swillers, Boone's Farm lovers and certainly non-believers. But what really gets me, what truly breaks my fricking hump is the contract extension given to Charlie Weis; the absolutely obnoxious handling of their coaching situation after the brief and swift dismissal of Coach Willingham.

Was Tyrone a good coach? Eh, I'm not sure; they only gave him three years. Is Charlie Weis a good coach? Eh, I'm not sure but he's gotten five. Their winning percentages are separated by 5 thousandth of a point. Coach Willingham's best year came with Coach Davie's players. Coach Weis's best years came with Coach Willingham's players. To compare them on this page is futile. Neither are world beaters. But one is rich beyond belief and the other is bouncing around college football (despite the one with the job being the actual man that can physically bounce.) My beef is with the contract extension. I heard it from all directions and from every Notre Dame fan I encountered: Charlie has NFL experience! He made Tom Brady the quarterback he is today! He deserves the 10 year contract!

10 year contract?! Did you just hear the record skip?! They gave Charlie Weis a 10 year fucking contract halfway through his first season with Tyrone Willingham's players. Here's the opening line from the AP article:

SOUTH BEND, Indiana -- It took Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis only seven games to earn a new contract.

SERIOUSLY?! Now they're stuck. They gave him a ridiculously irresponsible contract and if there really is a fair and honest god, he should be punished for stealing. However, had Charlie Weis been black he wouldn't have been in this position. How do I know? Because Tyrone Willingham was in the same position. In fact, Tyrone lead the Irish to a #4 ranking including an 8-0 start in his first year with wins over #7 Michigan and #11 Florida State! Weis was 5-2 through his first seven games! I mean, where do you come up with the logic to even start explaining this rationality?! Absurd. Absolutely absurd. They deserve everything they have coming to them. Including another ass whopping at the hands of Michigan.