2022 UMTailgate Tailgate Themes

I’ll be damned…the returning friggin’ champions are suiting up in just 10 days, and you don’t know how to dress for the game or which probiotics to take to handle the menu. My deepest apologies. Inspired by 2+ years of Netflix and Quarantine this season’s themes are all centered around movies and television. Get your shit together and remember the golden rules of tailgating: bring something, eat something, clean something. Most of you animals can’t bat .333 on that. Anywho, on with the deets:

September 3, Noon: Colorado State, The 8-Mile

You’ve only got one shot to prove you know shit from Shinola as we kick off the season mercifully with a nooner. Detroit-themed things will occur, but only the good ones, not the devil’s-night-type ones. I’ll be attempting to recreate Dime Store’s Duck Bop Hash, and post game dogs (which you should stick around for because we haven’t seen each other in a year) will include the full coney treatment.

September 10, 8:00PM: Hawaii, The Magnum PI

Is this just a Luau with mustaches? Yes. But let’s not mail it in we’ve got a whole day and night together. Dig up that Hawaiian shirt, open the first few buttons, and be cocky. All things pork up to and including a small pig are in the realm of possibilities. Remember we can’t get in until 11am on this day. Also remember to pace yourself.

September 17, Noon: UCONN, The Mystic Pizza

A breakfast pizza party for the ages. Full disclosure, I’ve never even seen Mystic Pizza, but I have been to Mystic, Connecticut for pizza, and yet not actually to the namesake Mystic Pizza. The movie tagline is “Discover a movie which hits home about love, friendship, dreams and life.” Sounds just like some stupid poetic crap Tuba would say about Michigan Football and Tailgating 20 years ago.. Anyway, again, breakfast pizzas baked on site, maybe transitioning to a more traditional handful of pies as we get closer to kick.

September 24, Noon: Maryland, The Old School

I had this movie and Wedding Crashers mixed up when I thought of a riff on “Crab Cakes and Football, That’s What Maryland Does” - Sack Lodge (Bradley Cooper) and the idea of Old School being a chance to share some of the over 8000 (not joking) photos I have scanned from The Godfather’s album collection. But there are no rules, and I’d hate to have to base a menu on the food of Old School (ky jelly and KFC?), so some kind of rough combination of the 2 here.

So, crab cakes, yes. But since it’s a nooner, maybe they appear in a Benny? But also I might try to throw together a quick boil. Either way, a little seafood focus is planned. I expect Captain Michigan to show up as Blue, and then turn blue from his shellfish allergy. Somebody bring an epipen.

October 1, TBD: Iowa (Away)

October 8, Noon: Indiana (Away)

October 15, TBD, Penn State, The Bear

That’s right, I’m on the cutting edge of the hottest new Hulu streamers. The Bear, which puts Lip from Shameless in a kitchen, centers around a Chicago Italian Beef joint. So no brainer we’ll be having Italian Beef Sandwiches, the Family Meal Spaghetti from the show, and if I’m feeling all French Laundry, some cola-braised short ribs over risotto. Chance of night game for this one is 75%.

October 22, BYE

October 29, TBD: Little Brother, The Nacho Libre

A Mexifest of epic proportions as we welcome Little Brother into the Big House. Birria is the flavor of the summer so I’m going to stuff some in a bunch of King’s Hawaiian rolls and add a bunch of accoutrements in the spirit of a Cemita. And yes, I am baiting Captain Michigan to come out of retirement again with this theme. If he doesn’t do Blue with full ear covers and a unitard, I expect him in a cape and mask for this one. Chance of night game 25%…but based on if PSU is/isn’t.

November 5, TBD: Rutgers (Away)

November 12, TBD: Nebraska, The Christmas Story

We will feast on Chinese Food after the dogs get to the turkeys, have a BB gun shooting contest, give out “A Major Award!”, and put on our ugly Christmas sweaters 6 weeks early as we welcome in Nebraska, led by whoever the interim coach is after Scott Frost is fired before Halloween.

November 19, TBD: Illinois, The Goodfellas

Our traditional steakhouse theme with a mafia spin. I don’t know what that means either. Just rewatched that scene where Ray Liotta walks Laurain Brocco thorugh the CopaCabana and big boys everybody with $20 bills. He’s in construction. We’ll eat steak and lobster tail and mix in a “Funny How?” or two.