It's Time to Hate Your Neighbor: The Michigan State Preview

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I can't remember it ever being this quiet. Not ever. Michigan State can be grateful to the Detroit Tigers from taking the focus off of them this week. It has reached a point where I am not sure how to make fun of them anymore. It's really no longer funny. It is truly tragic.

Why hate State? I can think of a million reasons. But let's just start with how they've disgraced themselves and their University this season:

  • Started Stanton for Heisman campaign

  • Blew 17-point 4th quarter lead to Notre Dame. Highlights included a kick returner taking a knee at the 12-yard line.

  • Started "Guard Duty" on the 'S' on the 50-yard line. A move designed to thwart attacks from opposing teams trying to perform the "flag plant" that Michigan State innovated last season at Notre Dame.

  • Fell to the Fighting Illini on a last second field goal 23-20. Illinois was 26-point underdogs, and hadn't won a Big Ten game since 2004.

  • Started a post game melee with Illinois via the aforementioned "Guard Duty," bringing all the class of Florida State-Miami to East Lansing.

  • Coach John L. Smith praised the post game fight, and basically called for flag planting to be instated as spoils of victory. Then he slapped himself in the face. You can't make this shit up.

For me it's a lifetime of green-and-white-wearing idiots and their unbelievable flip-flopping superiority-to-inferiority complexes. It's their gorilla math and reasoning that made them think they were better than us because they were able to beat Notre Dame more often than us the past few seasons. It's their immediate default to "basketball season" after the Michigan game. And when things are going really bad (like this year) they get condescending. No doubt you are going to hear some version of "You guys are going to kill us this year" or "I hope you guys kill us so we can get rid of John L" or "Midnight madness is right around the corner." But don't be swayed, Sparty still feels pain on Michigan-Michigan State Saturday. This year will just send them deeper into the abyss of misery.

The College:

  • Enrollment: 45,166

  • Mascot: Sparty

  • Famous for pioneering degrees in packaging and music therapy.

Famous Alumni:

The Numbers:

  • Michigan is 65-28-5 all-time against Michigan State, including 8-2 in the last 10, winning the last four in a row

  • Michigan State boasts the nation's 9th ranked rushing offense

  • Chad Henne needs only 228 yards to move into 2nd place all-time in passing yardage at Michigan.

  • This will be the 99th meeting between Michigan and Michigan State

Who to watch:

  • Drew Stanton, QB
    • You might want to get there early to see this guy. He's got a cannon, and he can take off running at any time... but look for Lamarr to finish separating the meat clinging to his ribs sometime in the first quarter. Is Dowdell available?

More Reasons to hate Sparty:

  • Their giant, horribly designed, grotesquely separated campus

  • Johnny Spirit

  • 2001

  • The angry and elf-like Tom Izzo

  • Their ambiguously gay mascot

Fun Facts

An Outsider's Perspective

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by Tuba​

It's not often that I feel like I'm on the outside looking in when it comes to Michigan football, but this game doesn’t mean the same to me as it does to those of you with Michigan Drivers licenses. In fact, in 2000 I went to Indianapolis for the final four and was rooting for Mateen and the boys. I'm not sure if I've ever hated State but I do know one thing for sure, I once loved East Lansing...

I got to Michigan two weeks before school started in August of 1994 to attend band camp. And since that time I have been one of many things... Tuba player, a gangster from Brooklyn, a Mark Messier fan and even an obnoxious New Yorker. (Some might say I'm every bit of all of them till this day). But it was on a late fall afternoon at a fraternity behind South Quad that my relationship with MSU was born. A couple of my hall mates asked me if I'd like to go to East Lansing. Now, the one thing I was told before I got to Ann Arbor by a distant cousin of mine was "the girls are hotter at State." With this in mind I slammed my beer (as that was the challenge for me in order to gain permission to ride) and rolled out to East Lansing. The scene was electric. Beer and breasts. I was ecstatic! And when we were able to start a fight at the Quiznos on Grand River between two friends that attended MSU while escaping unscathed, I asked "when are we coming back?!"

Since that day I have embraced the Spartans. In a way you do with your retarded cousin, or Goody. You love their enthusiasm and their joie de vivre. You appreciate their willingness to do absolutely anything. They'll burn their couches in the street. Drink until death and piss on anyone in their way. Just ask Brett Taylor. Seriously, these people are special, hence my inability to find hatred for the underprivileged that are the Spartans. I realize this is classic Michigan arrogance and condescension. But at least I'm sincere. And that my friends is what bonds me and Sparty. Our sincerity. They have a belief in themselves, their university and their football team. They touted Jeff Smoker as the best quarterback in the big ten and believed it! I thank you Michigan State for being their for us. For allowing us to have someone to feed our egos and say, "It's great to be a Michigan Wolverine!"

Since I know you're just waiting for Saturday Night...

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​by Johnny Cleveland

If you need something to occupy your time while waiting for J.L. and his three ring circus to arrive late Sat. Eve., then you have come to the right spot. Keep yourself busy with these creative musings.

Spartan Web Fun (click continue reading now)

1. Enlightenedspartan.com 

Get your John L. shirt here. Many styles and colors for you or your wife or your girlfriend and actually even your dog. Also available on many different office supplies and whatnot.

2. Spartantailgate.com

Maybe what you would call our "sister site" (just because of the name of course). Pretty hillarious continual loop of old J.L. slapping himself in the face.

3. Msuspartans.com

Weekly Press Conference by J.L. Smith. I know its a cliche, but this stuff is so high quality, you couldn't make it up. I mean seriously, you have to hear him just to appreciate how wonderful Coach Smith is. Absolutely delightful material here folks and if you listen long enough he jokes how he is thankful "they aren't very good", referring to us of course.

4. Statenews.com

The dreaded, administrative vote of confidence and support. The MSU officials say J.L. is "an excellent coach." We think so too, can you sign him to a lifetime contract Mr. Mason.

Game Two for Tupa

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​by Johnny Cleveland

I am sure these posts should come earlier in the day but I had to work. Anyway we are down 1-0 to the big bad Yanks, but we are definitely not out. Good News: I thought our overall performance was above average and we showed zero sign of intimidation. Our bats had life and little more timely hitting would have given us the lead and then who knows what would have happened. Bad News: We face Mike Mussina tonight and he is second all time in winning percentage against the Tigers. It is imperative to get some early runs and let Verlander relax. Hopefully Moose is not at 100%, he has been hurt (thumb).

Tonight's Starting Pitcher: Justin Verlander 

Though he's just a rook, JV is low stress. For one he pitches to quickly to get your smoke lit in time for the next pitch, and also you know he is going to bring heat. Yes, it could be disastrous if his control is off and the Y's blast away with favorable counts, but I look for the youngster to be poised and have a nice outing.

Recap and Probables
Tonight is definitely a 3 to 4 pack game. I went with three since I have faith. As for last night, the "white boys" did about as expected, a combined 3 for 8. Spanish Main was solid, that is except for the captain. After praising his leadership, it turns out his missed hit and run could have been the turning point. All I am saying is that it was a good call but Pudge didn't get it done. And for all you that say Pudge should have bunted, you obviously haven't watched many games this year, cuz my man is a piss poor bunter and most likely would have popped out or led to a double play. Anyway we will not win with another 0'fer from Ivan, and unfortunately Mussina can K him just about every time. So prove me wrong again pudgy. Everyone in "Gangsta's Row" had a hit including Granderson who had 3. Keep it up fellas. Mags had a nice double but he's gotta have a multiple hit game tonight.

The Pitching and Coaching: Robertson did a nice job and again I would have like to see what would have happened had we scored, like we should have, in the second and third innings. I thought twice we should have brought righties in to face Jeter, first in the 6th with Nate still throwing, and then in the 8th with Walker on the mound. Other than that, Walker did a good job and as I predicted, if we saw Grilli and/or Walker, it probably wasn't going to be a good situation. Well at least all the big dogs in the pen are rested for tonight. We will definitely see Zumaya for some work and probably Rodney. If Jonsie is spotted, good news Tiger fans.

Goal #1: Get back here for Friday Night 1-1 and we will be the buzz of the sports nation! And what a nice Prequel to Saturday nights game it would be to see The Gambler put the pin striped pussies in a 2-1 hole. LETS GO TIGERS! and while I am thinking of it, EDEAN told me to tell ya all, "Fuck State".

TIGER PLAYOFF Preview

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​by Johnny Cleveland

Well, we sure pissed ourselves into a corner with our late season slump but everyone's record is the same starting today. And regardless of what anyone says, yes, we Tiger fans are just happy to be here. So here is the UMtailgate version of the preview of our series with the Bronx Bastards. Since Leyland got us here and has kept us smoking all the way until October, we rank each matchup/position with the amount of anxiety each causes us. The rankings are in packs of Marlboro Reds, the choice of our favorite manager. One pack = low stress. Four packs = high stress.

Corner Infielders (aka White Boyz) 

The corners are held down by our only position Caucasians. Our third basemen is one of the best athletes in all professional sports, B. Inge. On the other hand our first baseman, Sean Casey, is the worst athlete in all of sports. Together they are probably our most consistent everyday players as far as both fielding and hitting go. Neither will dazzle at the dish but I look for Casey to have a nice average in Oct. Inge will need to keep up his highlight reel defense for us to have a chance, and would someone please recognize this guy deserves a gold glove. I am confident they will have a great series for us.

Middle Infielders (aka Spanish Main)

I obviously include Guillen and Polanco in this but also add Pudge and backups Infante and Santiago. Spanish Main makes up the "main" production in the middle of our lineup, and our all Hispanic, hence the nickname. With Placido back we gain some much needed consistency in our lineup. I think Guillen will regain his defensive focus in October and hope he can swing a clutch bat. Pudge is the essence of a Detroit Captain; see Yzermen, Billups, Gibson, Isiah or Joe, and he also has the utmost desire to bring home a championship. We will go as far as he can push us, look for him to beat out an infield hit to give us a spark early in the series. Omar and Ramon should play minimal roles but if Thames is not 100% Infante may provide us an extra lead off hitter at the bottom of the lineup. I don't think this group will be intimidated by the Yanks, but they must produce at the plate.

Outfielders (aka Gangsta Row) 

Yes they have hit the dramatic blasts that have brought us back all season, but their free swinging at bats must be curtailed in the playoffs. Curtis absolutely must get on base regularly and also must be able to sacrifice/hit & run when necessary. Granderson is very young and has yet to be consistent in the aforementioned areas, maybe this will be his coming out party, lets hope so. Defensively Grandy and Monroe are fine, if we can keep the strikeouts and shallow pop ups to a minimum, we have more than a chance. Ditto for Thames if he is healthy enough to DH, hopefully he is feeling better cuz we need his pop in the lineup, especially if we want to keep pace with the run producing machine that is the Yankees.

Magglio (Hair Nation) 

He didn't really fit in to any other group so he gets his own. Mags is what he is and I suspect he will continue to be solid throughout the playoffs. Some timely big hits will be needed and he will be solid with the glove. He will not break his trot running the bases or running down fly balls, but like I said, Mags is what he is.

Pitchers (Evaluated Individually)

(I will save evaluation of the starters until it is their time to pitch. So I give you the pitchers that could appear tonight)

1. Nate Robertson (Game 1 Starter)

"Gum Boy" actually has had a tremendous season. Although only 13-13 he was plagued with absolutely shitty run support throughoutthe first half of the season and has had several quality no decisions and late losses as well. I am a little nervous throwing him to the dogs in game one at "the stadium" but if he can get through the early nerves, he should be solid.

2. Wilfredo Lodezma 

Probably pitching the best of all our staff at this point but looks to be destined for long-term relief in this series. Obviously long relief is a sign of an early deficit and one we hope not to face, however Wil is poised to stop the bleeding until our bats catch up and keep us in the game.

3. Grilli and Miner

Truthfully both are decent Righties out the pen, so the three pack stress level is not really for their ability, but if you see them coming out tonight we are probably in trouble. Unless we need one out in a situational at bat against a right handed hitter, they probably will stay in the bullpen for game 1.

4. Jamie Walker 

Basically the same as Grilli and Miner, except will be used to get out 1 or 2 lefties at the most.

4. Joel Zumaya 

Can have some control issues if he is too hyped up, but he gets us hyped up as well. If you see him tonight it should say we are still in the game late. I doubt skip will ask him to go a full two but a great four or five out outing tonight would be a great sign from our young fireballer.

5. Fernando Rodney 

Surely he will work slow in the eighth and walk a couple. This is when you go get the extra pack stashed away. A great sign if he's finishing the eighth but don't expect to be stress free, not the time to quit smoking.

6. Todd Jones

This is double stress time. First of all we are probably about to take the series lead if Jonesie is in there, second of all you know he's going make it interesting down right blood boiling nerve racking nuts. Chain smoke for Jimmy since he's gotta watch from the dugout, but lets hope his second half consistency brings home game one in the ninth.