Not buying everyone's BS

​Editors Note: FINALLY somebody else is writing!  Welcome back Johnny Cleveland...

I am breaking my silence because I am about to break some necks  I am sick and tired of all this talk of us being much improved and doubling our win total from 2008 to 6 wins in 2009.  Of course I am aware of UM peeps propensity for pessisimisity but I am not standing for it any longer.  We will not be 6 and 6.  As I saw our dilapidated crew only win 3 last season, I am not naive enough to think we are going to run the table, but as far as Michigan standards go, and my standards for that matter, 8-4 is a rebuilding season.  We are not a meddling institution that should be happy by "moving in the right direction" or "improving" on our bad season.  Last year was an anomaly, we had it coming like a stock market correction.  The pendulum swung and knocked out an era of greatness that lasted for 40 years. That year is over.  So let's not allow one season and one million detractors lower our expectations.  Not convinced yet well maybe this will help.  Even though my observations and recollections are not going to up the '08 win total, they should shed some sunshine on the fact that 6 and 6 is bullshit.

In case you forgot, we didn't have a quarterback last season.  Insert your own pent up feelings for walk on or dorkier than Navarre transfer here.  Currently we have a quarterback (or 2), so like Bill Murray in Caddyshack, "we got that going for us, which is nice".  By the way don't slough that point off with "oh yeah, but they are just unproven freshmen."  Bullshit. They are quarterbacks, I am not saying they will be good, but they are quarterbacks.

Lets start with game one '08, Utah...lost this game after a terrible showing and a valiant comeback.  We all concur we should have won this one after playing stingy Defense and forcing the Utes to settle for 5 field goals.  Oh wait...you mean possibly the worst team in Michigan history should have defeated the best team in Utah history?  Yep, I do, and we should have won with a whopping 4 yards of rushing in the first half.  This team finished #2 in the nation last year and we had them beat with 4 rushing yards in the first half.  By the way we lost by 2 points to the only undefeated team in college football.  So there you have it.  A team that was senior laden and ended up beating then #4 Alabama from the mightier than thou SEC by 14, but only measly Big Ten Bottom feeder Michigan by 2.  Did I mention that one of 2 'Bama Sugar Bowl touchdowns was a punt return?  Not a bad performance  from the Wolverines in that light now is it?  Should we compare the upstart 2009 Western Michigan team to last years Utes?  Well I guess we have to for lack of a better/similar opponent.  Well, Western is a little scary if you let them be: senior laden, high expectations, a quality senior quarterback.  Hey douchers...its Western.  We're Michigan.  We almost beat the only undefeated team in the country last year and believe me we are a lot better off now than we were then. I can guarantee little, but I can guarantee this: the Broncos will not run the table and go to the Sugar Bowl this year. Wipe off the sweat because the wolves are 1-0.

So there you have it, I am not believing in Big Ten Net announcers saying much improved 6-6.  I am not falling for all the other "publications and presses" predicting an 7th-11th place conference finish.  I am ready to break some necks, so get on board or continue your ways of cowardice, just remember I told you so.  Now get fired up, grow a mustache, do what you gotta do because its time to get All in for Michigan!

To Be Continued: Stay Tuned

Get Your Calendar Out: Tailgate Themes 2009

September 5th, Western Michigan, 3:30PM, Boats and Ho's and The Catalina Wine Mixer

• Are you ready to snap some necks and cash some checks?  Good.  This is the place to do it.  This nautically themed tailgate will christen our new spot.  We recommend donning sailor gear, and it couldn't be more appropriate as Ohio State takes on Navy that day.  Food will be somewhat seafood based, with a lot of appetizers and finger foods...like at a wine mixer...get it?  And wine.  Somebody should bring some wine.  It would also be advantageous to watch the movie Step Brothers before you come.

September 12th, Notre Dame, 3:30PM, 

The Luau

• The Luau is a theme favorite that sat out a season due to some issues with the Mountaineers  Leis, pineapples, fruity drinks, Hawaiian shirts, and all the pig you can eat.

September 19th, Eastern Michigan, Noon, 

Far-Eastern

• Our foreign exchange tailgater and official tailgate mascot will feel right at home for this Asian themed tailgate.  Egg rolls, fried rice, stir fry and the like will be on the menu.  And somebody should get some of those Chinese lanterns to hang all over the tents.

September 25th, Indiana, Noon, 

Mardi Gras

• Wow, a tough month of tailgating ends with a bang as the Mardi Gras theme adorns Michigan's Homecoming.  I'm expecting beads, boobs, and cajun catfish.

October 17th, Delaware State, TBD, 

The Urban

• Soul food, rap, 40-ounce beers, and the worst game we've ever scheduled.

October 24th, Penn State, TBD, 

Old School

• Bring your high school yearbook for this impromptu reunion.  Wear clothes from your high school era, and expect banquet hall style fare.

November 7th, Purdue, TBD, 

The Lumberjack

• I dream of this being an unlikely 3:30pm November kick because it's got all day cooking written all over it.  Likely fried turkeys at this one if time allows.  Otherwise, remember to wear your overalls.

November 21st, Ohio State, TBD, 

Soups, Stews and Chili

• Nothing like a hot bucket of soup on a cold fall day.  I'd tell you what to wear, but you will probably have a heavy coat on over it, so it won't matter.

Don't Be Two-Thousand and Late

​What?  You thought that we would make this team into a national contender, pulling in national recruits from far away states that would win every event at a Michigan high school state track final, without having to sidestep a few landmines?  No sir.  When you go after athletes of this caliber, in some extreme cases you have to lower you academic standards....your moral standards.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, we are selling our soul for National Championships.  If we weren't, Stan Parrish, Ron English, and Brady Hoke would be leading your team out of the tunnel in 26 days.

It just comes down to if you can close your eyes and turn away until the wins come.  Because when the wins come, you won't care.  Urban Meyer doesn't care.  Mostly because if he punches you in the face, you'll get a fistfull of ring imprints on your forehead.  Deal with it.  Playing by the rules and getting only the rare combo of amazing athlete and pilar of the community can get you wins.  We've proved that over 130 years.  But it also only gets you a National Championship every 50 years.  To be honest with you, I'm not sure I'm gonna be around for the 2047 championship, so if we have to dodge some bullets and take a kid or two that might have been slinging nose candy back in his hometown in order to defeat the evil sweatervest regularly, I'm "all in" for it.  And so is Billy Mays.

This is what you wanted, even though you may not admit it.  That's because you are a hypocrite.  You want the stadium to be loud, but you don't really want to cheer.  You want the tickets to be cheaper, but you don't want any advertisments.  You want a third down atmosphere that strikes fear into the opponent, but you don't want piped in music.  You want Maize Outs to be like the Penn State White Out, but you often wear blue.  You want the best players in the country to come to Michigan, but you don't want to accept anyone that wouldn't qualify academically if they were applying as a student rather than a football player.  You can't have it all.  So what you have to do is decide if you want to be Northwestern...or you want to be Florida.

So if you got on perch today and talked about the demise of the program, about how RichRod hastily brought in a dual threat quarterback at the end of his first stab at recruiting with an 'M' on his shirt without fully checking him out, then you are not part of the solution.  The solution is WINS.  He's not a babysitter.  He's a coach.  He wants wins.  And I want him to do anything possible to get those wins short of checking to see if Maurice Clarrett has any eligibility left.  This incident, while unfortunate, is the first of what I am sure will be many off the field problems we will have.  And it won't be RichRod's fault any more than it was Lloyd Carr's fault that Larry Harrision liked to show people his wang.  Hang in there.  You might feel dirty. You might feel uncomfortable.  You might not know the words to "I'm in Miami Trick" for the first few games.  But in the end, none of it will matter.  Because we'll be at a bowl game, playing the SEC, showing Ohio State what it means to represent the new Big Ten, hanging banners and hoisting trophies to Boom Boom Pow.

Life Moves Pretty Fast...

Before I begin a bit of a somber obituary for you this Friday (not tailgate related),  I should mention that our new tailgate location is now official.  We've got a month to coordinate, which should be plenty of time to get you where you need to be.  Again, if you are someone that should be "in the know," shoot me an email.

You might be too young or too old to appreciate John Hughes, director and writer of pretty much every good movie in the 80's.  Hughes passed away Thursday, leaving a legacy of films and characters that had a profound effect on pretty much everybody in my age group.  What John Hughes created makes Judd Apatow look like...well, a shitty writer/director.  Sorry, I don't know any shitty writer/directors.  Neither do you.  Maybe Andy Tennant.  He directed Fool's Gold.  He should kill himself.

Who loves IMDB?  Me.

Hughes gave us Clark W. Griswold, who taught me how to road trip.  Clark could always "go another hundred miles" no matter what time of night it was, and he could've slept with Christy Brinkley if that damn water wasn't so cold.  Clark also taught me the importance of family, Christmas lights, and Las Vegas.  BTW, though not a Hughes character, god bless Nick Pappagiorgio.

Hughes gave us Ferris Bueller, who taught me how to get away with stuff, and that skipping school was pretty much the coolest thing ever if you lived near Chicago.  My high school senior year, I realized that we weren't that far from Chicago, and a group of friends and I attempted to retrace the steps of Ferris, Cameron, and Sloan...minus the Ferrari and eating pancreas at Chez Luis.  Ferris also told us that "life moves pretty fast...if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."  Very true.  I've taken many a day off in the name of Ferris...from school, from work, and every Saturday in the fall, from real life.

Hughes gave us the internet.  Or at least he predicted the arrival of it.  Despite Al Gore's claims, Hughes's Weird Science outlined in detail exactly what was to come from the world of connected computing.  Perhaps he saw further into the future, with the creation of touchable holograms.  Someday soon, teens all over America are going to create their own young Kelly LeBrock to usher them into manhood.  Steven Seagal will be first in line.

We learned the perils of travel in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, found the positives of weekend detention in The Breakfast Club, and found humor in Asian names with Long Duk Dong in Sixteen Candles.

John Hughes may have passed, but his influence will live on for generations to come.

In A Month...

​Practice starts Monday.  Real practice.  Not drills.  Not weightlifting.  Practice.  Gameplans are being set.  I saw Nick Sheridan's playbook and Western Michigan defense DVDs on the dash of his car this week (we park near each other), which is no doubt the creepiest way I have ever been inaugurated into a football season.  The time is now.  The coverage is weak.  The outlook? Grim.

And that's just how we like it...at least that's how I like it.  It makes me have 1997 delusions of grandeur.  I envision a brash confident Michigan player, like Donovan Warren, walking into RichRod's office and telling him, let's just win all the games.  No pressure.  Projected underdogs looking forward to most matchups.  All victories shy of Delaware State and Directional Michigan are gravy, which is to say more than those three wins (yes, I'm still scared of WMU) means more wins than last year.  And if nothing else, we the fans require more wins than last year.  A bowl trip, something that has only eluded us once in the last 34 years, equates to a successful season in a year with 8 home games.  Great.

Looking at the statistics with respect to the rest of college football, which you can view here if you enjoy the acidic taste of a touch of puke in your mouth, you will find a team that has no where to go but up.  We now, in the face of mortality brought upon by 2008,  have no choice to appreciate what we had.  Hopefully this season, we can start to appreciate where we are going.

I'm glad to be along for the ride.

30 days.  Boats and Ho's and the Catalina Wine Mixer.  Be there.