Four Things You Are Wasting Your Time Worrying About

1) Piped in Music: What would it take for me to convince you that piped in music is a great idea?  If I said it would help us win just one more game, would you get on board?  I've been to every Big Ten venue.  And yes, there was a time when I mocked those that used amplified sound to induce crowd reactions.  Braveheart and that damn Boiler Up whistle in Ross-Ade...the tolling of the bell and "300" in Spartyville.  Tacky?  Maybe.  But tell me you don't find Penn State's rendition of Zombie Nation or Wisconsin's commencing of the 4th quarter with Jump Around freakin' cool.  Live a little, will ya?  Quit being such an old fart and dance.  Dance like there's no tomorrow.

2) Who's Starting Against Western Michigan: 

Mark this down as the point in which I turn a blind eye to any chance that we will lose to the Broncos.  So, that being said, whomever trots out on to the field after Greg Robinson's new look defense forces it's first three-and-out will be fine.  Look, honestly, if it is Sheridan, you shouldn't be mad that it is Sheridan, you should be disappointed that neither Tate nor Denard are ready yet.  But the writing is on the wall.  Tate and Denard both have a superior physical skill set, and that is why when the staff refers to Sheridan, you only hear that he is ahead in the area of "decision making."  This whole "all three quarterbacks will play" is such obvious coachspeak... and maybe that's what we need here, out of respect for a walk-on that has been giving it his all, and to continue to motivate two true Freshmen to duke it out in practice.

3) New Defensive Coordinator Hangover: Before "The Season That Never Happened," the previous two changes in defensive coordinator equaled unparalleled success.  Jim Herrmann took over at DC in 1997, Ron English from him in 2006.  Those two seasons represent two of the three times in Michigan history that Michigan started with an 11-0 record (the other being 1971).  With the expected improvement on offense (read: less three-and-outs) the defense will be just long as they stay healthy.

4) Your Liver and Your Cardiovascular Health: In eleven days, you will be introducing a number of toxins into your system.  Well, maybe not toxins, but beer, wine, liquor, and foods fried in partially hydrogenated vegetable shortening.  The kind of shortening that is solid at room temperature.  You can't fight it.  It's gonna happen.  The first two games are at 3:30pm, which equates to around 7 hours each pre-game of inbibing and ingesting.  But if you prepare yourself properly, you will be bright eyed at 8am, and still going strong when we return from gridiron victory.  So, right now, wherever you are, whatever you are doing...stop.  Head to the nearest liquor store and get a pint of Jack Daniel's.  Then go to  McDonalds and get a large double quarter pounder combo and tell them you want it with Big Mac sauce.  Chase that with a ten piece McNugget with BBQ and sweet and sour sauce.  Drink half of your 32oz coke, then pour in the jack.  Suck that down and repeat every other day.  On alternate days, you should spend the entire day not sitting down.

It's so close now, you can taste the Bacon Explosion.