Captain Michigan Scores More Than Michigan State

​The preseason Heisman candidate and his band of preseason Big Ten Champion darkhorses came into Ann Arbor on Saturday. They were bruised, battered, and coming off two of the most embarrassing back-to-back losses in their history. They had absolutely nothing to lose, and could begin to salvage a disastrous season by handing their "rival" their first loss. Winning fixes everything. Unfortunately for the Spartan faithful, the Green and White seem to only know how to disappoint. 

Unlike the past two years, it wouldn't take overtime. The loudest cheers came during announcements of the score from the  Detroit Tigers dismantling of the Yankee dynasty just 35 miles away in Comerica Park, and it was the only cheering the Michigan State faithful would feel compelled to participate in. In fact, this game was less in question by the end of the first half than Michigan's games against Vanderbilt and Central Michigan. Michigan dominated, broadcasting their weekly edition of "Establishing the Run", racking up 211 yards on 5 yards per carry. 122 yards of the ground attack came from Mike Hart, 51 from Kevin Grady, and 39 from true frosh Brandon Minor, who broke a 40-yard TD run to seal the game late in the 3rd quarter. Henne-to-Arrington showed up again with a spectacular leaping grab of 13 yards for the first touchdown of the game. Henne-to-Manningham, now a household name, came through again with 2 touchdowns of 41 and 27 yards. A late 2-yard touchdown by a scrambling Stanton somehow warranted his own personal celebration, but it would not be enough in his final chance to beat the Maize and Blue. Michigan wins 31-13...and it has never been less exciting. On it's way to being only termed a rivalry because of geography, Michigan-Michigan St. not only didn't warrant a Maize Out, it barely deserved your attention.

So we quickly move on to next week. Michigan has earned themselves half of a perfect season, the first since 1997, and that means that things are starting to get serious in Ann Arbor. They have two solid contests in the next two weeks before three weeks of patsies on the road to Columbus. First is what many are calling a "trap game" under the lights in Beaver Stadium, where the visiting Wolverines will come in ranked #4 for the first time since...you guessed it...1997.

The tailgate was completely ridiculous, full of first-timers, and overrun with a level of drunkenness and debauchery not previously observed. Exhaustion even had me down for the count. Perhaps the masses were not quite prepared for the longest home tailgate in UMTailgate.com history, as many stumbled in late to the battle for the Paul Bunyan trophy, and some didn't make it at all. But in the end, it didn't matter. Get drunk, pass out...forget about it...with Michigan State, you can relax.

Slaphappy Staff Predictions for Michigan Agricultural College

​The Hammer:

This week has proven to be the toughest for me by far. This is vintage Michigan State, acting the fool just to make a possible upset bid all the more disgraceful to our school. Typical MSU, NOT typical Michigan. This is game one of the long road to the promise land my friends. Matt Trannon might have more completed passes than Drew Stanton this week. I'll give them 10 just because...but that's being generous. The only motivation Michigan ever needs should be proving that "last week" was no fluke. Validating each win with another win. Catch my drift?! Getting better every week. We go into week 6 needing to validate our 5-0 record and we'll go into week 7 needing to validate 6-0.

Michigan 31
East Lansing 10
(wait till you see the enthusiasm of their fans when they take a 7-0 lead, only to get three the rest of the way)

DMVP - Shawn Crable
OMVP - Mike Hart

Johnny Cleveland not available (drunk) at press time.

XBox Says:

Michigan 28
Michigan State 13

The Webmaster:

I'm with the Hammer in that this has got "bullshit call gives Sparty victory" or "broken play gives Sparty victory" written all over it. So we cannot afford to keep them in our rear view mirror. They must be buried. And after Lamarr removes torso from legs, you can get your shovels out. Michigan will win, cover, and unfortunately end the Michigan State career of John L. Smith. We will miss you John L...you crazy bastard.

Michigan 27
Michigan State 6

It's Time to Hate Your Neighbor: The Michigan State Preview

I can't remember it ever being this quiet. Not ever. Michigan State can be grateful to the Detroit Tigers from taking the focus off of them this week. It has reached a point where I am not sure how to make fun of them anymore. It's really no longer funny. It is truly tragic.

Why hate State? I can think of a million reasons. But let's just start with how they've disgraced themselves and their University this season:

• Started Stanton for Heisman campaign


• Blew 17-point 4th quarter lead to Notre Dame. Highlights included a kick returner taking a knee at the 12-yard line.


• Started "Guard Duty" on the 'S' on the 50-yard line. A move designed to thwart attacks from opposing teams trying to perform the "flag plant" that Michigan State innovated last season at Notre Dame.


• Fell to the Fighting Illini on a last second field goal 23-20. Illinois was 26-point underdogs, and hadn't won a Big Ten game since 2004.


• Started a post game melee with Illinois via the aforementioned "Guard Duty," bringing all the class of Florida State-Miami to East Lansing.


• Coach John L. Smith praised the post game fight, and basically called for flag planting to be instated as spoils of victory. Then he slapped himself in the face. You can't make this shit up.

For me it's a lifetime of green-and-white-wearing idiots and their unbelievable flip-flopping superiority-to-inferiority complexes. It's their gorilla math and reasoning that made them think they were better than us because they were able to beat Notre Dame more often than us the past few seasons. It's their immediate default to "basketball season" after the Michigan game. And when things are going really bad (like this year) they get condescending. No doubt you are going to hear some version of "You guys are going to kill us this year" or "I hope you guys kill us so we can get rid of John L" or "Midnight madness is right around the corner." But don't be swayed, Sparty still feels pain on Michigan-Michigan State Saturday. This year will just send them deeper into the abyss of misery.

The College:

• Enrollment: 45,166


• Mascot: Sparty


• Famous for pioneering degrees in packaging and music therapy.

Famous Alumni:

• James Caan


• Robert Urich


• Charles Rogers


• Sung Hee Hong

The Numbers:

• Michigan is 65-28-5 all-time against Michigan State, including 8-2 in the last 10, winning the last four in a row


• Michigan State boasts the nation's 9th ranked rushing offense


• Chad Henne needs only 228 yards to move into 2nd place all-time in passing yardage at Michigan.


• This will be the 99th meeting between Michigan and Michigan State

Who to watch:

• Drew Stanton, QB
• You might want to get there early to see this guy. He's got a cannon, and he can take off running at any time... but look for Lamarr to finish separating the meat clinging to his ribs sometime in the first quarter. Is Dowdell available?

More Reasons to hate Sparty:

• Their giant, horribly designed, grotesquely separated campus


• Johnny Spirit


• 2001


• The angry and elf-like Tom Izzo


• Their ambiguously gay mascot

Fun Facts

• Students say the darndest things


• Michigan State played Idaho


• Michigan State has 6 Big Ten Football titles all-time, only Indiana and Penn State have less.


• Michigan has won 5 Big Ten Football titles...under Lloyd Carr.


• You know you've made it when you get a wikipedia link for rioting

An Outsider's Perspective

by Tuba​

It's not often that I feel like I'm on the outside looking in when it comes to Michigan football, but this game doesn’t mean the same to me as it does to those of you with Michigan Drivers licenses. In fact, in 2000 I went to Indianapolis for the final four and was rooting for Mateen and the boys. I'm not sure if I've ever hated State but I do know one thing for sure, I once loved East Lansing...

I got to Michigan two weeks before school started in August of 1994 to attend band camp. And since that time I have been one of many things... Tuba player, a gangster from Brooklyn, a Mark Messier fan and even an obnoxious New Yorker. (Some might say I'm every bit of all of them till this day). But it was on a late fall afternoon at a fraternity behind South Quad that my relationship with MSU was born. A couple of my hall mates asked me if I'd like to go to East Lansing. Now, the one thing I was told before I got to Ann Arbor by a distant cousin of mine was "the girls are hotter at State." With this in mind I slammed my beer (as that was the challenge for me in order to gain permission to ride) and rolled out to East Lansing. The scene was electric. Beer and breasts. I was ecstatic! And when we were able to start a fight at the Quiznos on Grand River between two friends that attended MSU while escaping unscathed, I asked "when are we coming back?!"

Since that day I have embraced the Spartans. In a way you do with your retarded cousin, or Goody. You love their enthusiasm and their joie de vivre. You appreciate their willingness to do absolutely anything. They'll burn their couches in the street. Drink until death and piss on anyone in their way. Just ask Brett Taylor. Seriously, these people are special, hence my inability to find hatred for the underprivileged that are the Spartans. I realize this is classic Michigan arrogance and condescension. But at least I'm sincere. And that my friends is what bonds me and Sparty. Our sincerity. They have a belief in themselves, their university and their football team. They touted Jeff Smoker as the best quarterback in the big ten and believed it! I thank you Michigan State for being their for us. For allowing us to have someone to feed our egos and say, "It's great to be a Michigan Wolverine!"

Since I know you're just waiting for Saturday Night...

​by Johnny Cleveland

If you need something to occupy your time while waiting for J.L. and his three ring circus to arrive late Sat. Eve., then you have come to the right spot. Keep yourself busy with these creative musings.

Spartan Web Fun (click continue reading now)

1. Enlightenedspartan.com 

Get your John L. shirt here. Many styles and colors for you or your wife or your girlfriend and actually even your dog. Also available on many different office supplies and whatnot.

2. Spartantailgate.com

Maybe what you would call our "sister site" (just because of the name of course). Pretty hillarious continual loop of old J.L. slapping himself in the face.

3. Msuspartans.com

Weekly Press Conference by J.L. Smith. I know its a cliche, but this stuff is so high quality, you couldn't make it up. I mean seriously, you have to hear him just to appreciate how wonderful Coach Smith is. Absolutely delightful material here folks and if you listen long enough he jokes how he is thankful "they aren't very good", referring to us of course.

4. Statenews.com

The dreaded, administrative vote of confidence and support. The MSU officials say J.L. is "an excellent coach." We think so too, can you sign him to a lifetime contract Mr. Mason.