The Weekly Report By Tuggy: October 31, 2002

The Weekly Report by Tuggy

"Give him his due", a quote associated with the Dallas Cowboys in the past is now relevant again. I know that since my audience is highly concentrated with Lion and Bear fans that my initial ethos is quite low, but we should not downplay the tremendous accomplishments of Emmitt Smith III. The antagonists want to argue that ES played for a much better team than others and want to wine and cry why Emmitt is not the best ever. Here are some less statistical reasons, but never the less important to fans like us.

Lets start with the antics of the former Detroiter Barry Sanders, well it may be true that his team was quite sub par when compared to the Cowboys but where is Barry now? First he goes and lies about his celibacy then he leaves the game for no good reason. Besides the trouble his helmet seemed to be causing to his Afro, I see no other reason as to why he left. Advantage Mr. Smith. Emmitt has been honest to his fans and has kept himself well groomed, and of course he has not quit, even though his team is now depleted.

What about Jim Brown, he would have had more yards if he had not left the NFL in his prime? Brown was outstanding on the field but he is a full throttle racist and that automatically disqualifies him, advantage Emmitt. The Double Deuce probably doesn’t like a lot of white people either but at least he is a class act on and off the football field.

How about the great Eric Dickerson? He was an amazing running back in his day. He is also credited with revolutionizing the use of sports goggles. In doing so he looked like a super dork with those "Rec Specs" and therefore loses a ton of credibility. Emmitt's only jewelry consists of his 3 Super Bowl Championship rings. Advantage #22.

OJ Simpson could be near the top of all lists but because his wife was doing drugs with Pedro Guerrero for 3 days he decided it was time for her to go, which pretty much makes him ineligible. Advantage Smith.

How about another marvelous Cowboy, Tony Dorsett, unfortunately he left the Cowboys late in his career and his own son goes by Anthony instead of Tony, which makes him a weak candidate even though I love him very much. Advantage Emmitt.

How about this for a conclusion to a Hall of Fame Speech, “I am going to close by saying life is short, it is oh so sweet. There are a lot of people that we meet as we walk through these hallowed halls, but the things that mean the most are the friendships that you meet and take along with you. Those words touch and inspire all us, they remind me how much I appreciate all of your friendships. By the way those are the words of "Sweetness", the late Walter Payton. It is hard to topple Walter from the top but the classy Emmitt does not even try, rather he speaks about Payton, "He was not big in stature but extraordinary in performance. And his passion and love for the game were incredible. I looked at him and saw a reflection of what I wanted to be, what I still want to be." Nicely put Walter and Emmitt.

The rest of the pack would undoubtedly include Gayle Sayers, Franco Harris, and Marcus Allen. All superstars of their respective days, all possibly more talented and physically gifted, but what does it take to be the greatest?

Here is a look at my top criteria;

1. Team Success - Emmitt takes the cake here, three super bowl rings with Dallas!

2. Yardage - Obviously Emmitt has the most.

3. Finishing - Emmitt does not quit until he get to "the house" which is why he is the all time leader in NFL touchdowns.

4. Intangibles - Emmitt has been loyal to the Cowboys, has stayed modest and humble throughout all his accomplishment and has been able to stay on the field by gritting it out even when he was injured.

All I can say is "How bout that Cowboy." Congrats Emmitt.

Here we go again, it is rivalry week for the state of Michigan. Yes its true the Pirates from Riverview get a chance at redemption with their arch rivals Grosse Ile this Friday night in the high school football playoffs. Make us proud Bucs!

Of course that is only the appetizer, as we must welcome the Spartans to the Big House on Saturday. As many of you know, I am not as anti-MSU as most Wolverines but obviously I want us to win this and every time we meet in head to head competition. (Although I realize the impossibility in our current hoop situation). What concerns me is how the U of M contingent has been approaching our recent contests with the E. Lansing opponents and here is why. MSU is having one of the worst seasons possible, they were picked to finish at the top of the Big 10 and even dubbed National Title contenders. Since those preseason days everything has fallen into the gutter for the green and white and it is looking like one of the biggest disasters in college football history. Their coaches are awful and have lost control. Their players are in trouble off the field and fighting amongst one another on the field. Not even the sinister trigger finger of "Spartan Bob" has been able to save them. With all that figuring into the picture, I ask you, "Why are we all scared to death about this weeks game??" We have allowed them to get into our heads and we must end it immediately. This game should be over before this update is uploaded. We need to eliminate the uncertainty and everyone from UMTailgate, all the way on up to Coach Carr, needs to regain that killer instinct. Winning by less than three touchdowns is not an option, State is and always will be our bitches and we need to carry that confidence with us. Say what you will, but MSU is a talented team and will be as ready as ever but we should be the dominant team. Them being excited for the rivalry should not be a factor, U of M should set the tone early on. We are still hanging on to the BCS and not fading towards the Motor City Bowl. So all of you spread the word and new attitude, we will prevail on Saturday by a substantial margin. Not this webmaster win by 7 points crap. To lead by example, I am going to tell you all that if we win by less than 21 points, I am not going to travel to Minnesota, and yes I do know that you can buy and drink beer during the game at the Metrodome, so do not even try to tempt me. Get on the Maize and Blue ship because the Tugboat is showing you the way!

I leave you this week with an issue that saddens my heart. The problem is that I could have ended this update with no mention of this event and none of you would have batted an eyelash. That is the pathetic state of our former national pastime, and the fact that I almost forgot the World Series is embarrassing. I know Tuba usually keeps us in touch with his work and his Yankees. However with a West Coast match-up we, and much of the country, were not tuned in. What concerns me is that the problem runs far deeper than this years Series. When I was growing up and playing little league my 11-12 year old league had 10 teams all from the same town. This very same town, with the same number of youngsters, struggles to field one team a year now. You can site the emergence of other sports such as soccer in the Midwest and hockey is more popular than ever in "Hockeytown". What about all these skateboarders, rollerbladers and the creation of the "X" Games, they are all factors I am sure. However the underlying loss of interest in baseball seems to be a microcosm of our American society. A sport that calls for teamwork in every step of the way is being passed over for individual sports, what a shame. A sport that requires patience and strategy is being traded for games that are immediate and spontaneous, a double shame. A sport that has been the longstanding backbone of summer is being thrown away for flash in the pan fads that lack almost all the ingredients of a true game. How sickening, how pathetic, but that's what us Americans act like so why is it surprising? Should they shorten the season, contract teams, lower salaries, or share profits? I don't know if anything can bring it back, lets just hope. Maybe Trammel and Gibby and Parrish can restore the roar to this town and this fan but until then I will be missing the fall classic. What a travesty.

Tugboat, (Guiding you through rivalry week and back into the Big House!)

One Moment In Time

Blue Out After A Blow Out

With all that has occurred this season, one thing has stuck in my mind. As some of you may know, I sit in section 30 for almost every home game. Each year, a new crop of Freshmen Michigan students get their student season tickets, and are assigned to section 30. I feel like sort of a mentor to them, this year more than most, as a small group of Freshmen have taken quite a liking to the UMTailgate.com crew, and marvel at our hospitality, our spirit, and our commitment. Getting back to my point...the fans this year have been louder. The Penn State game was where it was most evident. Penn State quarterback Zack Mills was forced to call a time out at one point in the game because his teammates couldn't hear the cadence. I've never seen that before in Michigan Stadium.

Feeding off this energy, and going with the trend of university issued T-shirts, Michigan students have organized 'Blue Out', where students will all wear identical blue T-shirts. Those that travel have seen this a couple of times this season. Notre Dame's 'Reutrn To Glory' shirts seem to work, Illinois's 'Muck Fichigan' shirts were less successful. Now that we've seen the exciting (Washington, Penn State), the mediocre (Purdue, Utah), and the horrific (Iowa), I can only hope it's time to see the spectacular, the dominating, and the focused. Hopefully, the Wolverines can regain the fan's respect and re-energize the crowd that has so far done so well. The season is not over. Lloyd is not on the chopping block, Bobby is. Though he plays like it sometimes, John Navarre is not on drugs. Win out, and it's a ten win regular season. Keep the faith, and keep cheering. Go Blue!

Emmy Winning Actor to Appear at UMTailgate

Yes, that's right, our own Bill "Bloomfield" Hasler will be bringing Tim Busfield to the UMTailgate this Saturday. Known best for his role as Elliot on tv's Thirtysomething, Tim has also appeared in other tv shows such as Family Ties and The West Wing, and has appeared in several movies, most notably Revenge of the Nerds and Field of Dreams. There is one problem...Tim is from East Lansing. We will try not to hold that against him as we eat, drink, and prepare to demolish the Spartans.

Still the Best: Team Can't Take Away the Spirit of UMTailgate

What Makes Me Tailgate?

I love tailgating. I love Michigan Football. I love the feeling you get at the beginning of the season, hoping for perfection, having a clean slate, and knowing destiny is in control of the players on the field. I love seeing family members, both blood and tailgate inherited, in the unique setting that is the tailgate. I love seeing people grow up, grow older, and change as the weeks pass. I love the concerned look on the faces of others, wondering what my reaction will be after big losses. I love the way we inadvertently cheer each other up. I love the way names stiched into tailgating history make grown men cry. I love the way the wives and mothers marvel at the cooking abilities of the young men in the group. I love that 'away-win' feeling, when the home fans clear out and the Michigan players know and acknowledge the presence of their travelling fans. Iowa fans got that feeling this weekend. I love the superstitions, and the fact that we are undefeated when I wear a certain hat, a certain pair of socks, or see an opposing fan wearing a certain shirt. I love the class, the spirit, and the history surrounding Michigan Stadium and that we would never make a player or players bigger than the team by hanging a giant poster depicting them outside it. I love the way the Godfather has welcomed me into his tailgating family the same way he welcomed a small group of college students in Notre Dame eleven years ago, and the same way he welcomes all the newcomers each week.

I love tailgating. I love Michigan Football.

All Time Great Ass-Kickings

Michigan had it kicked, re-kicked, then force-fed to them by the Hawkeyes this weekend. Michigan suffered their worst home-loss since 1967. Iowa dominated every facet of the game, and most importantly dominated the scoreboard, defeating the Wolverines 34-9. Here's a list of some of the other greatest ass-kickings of all time:

Nolan Ryan over Robin Ventura: In 1993, Robin Ventura charged the mound to take out Nolan Ryan, only to be put in a headlock and repeatedly punched in the face.

Brian Herrgard over Tarek: In 1986, at Forest Elementary school, Tarek was dominated in a playground brawl in the first and only Riverview Wrestlemania.

Southgate Tough Guys over Dean Mourselas: In 1992, in front of the Southgate Harmony House, Dean was torn from his bicycle, and beaten by a group of unnamed assailants. His bottom tooth poked a hole in his bottom lip, requiring stitches.

Hulk Hogan over Andre the Giant: In front of a record indoor crowd in the Pontiac Silverdome, Hulk Hogan defeated Andre the Giant by way of a body slam, followed by the signature leg-drop and pin.

Up Next: Sparty

Preview coming on Wednesday, Tuggy's update on Thursday. Stay tuned.

GO BLUE!!!

The Webmaster

The Weekly Report by Tuggy: October 23, 2002

This weekend the troops had a successful weekend in West Layfayette. UMTailgate was well represented with a group of around 10. Once again the rough and tumble Big Ten Football Conference proved that there are no cupcake games. The Wolverines had to scratch and claw their way out of Ross-Aide Stadium with a narrow victory. Speaking of scratching and clawing, lets talk about cats as house pets. I have heard of some folk are dog people and some are cat people but I still cannot figure this thing out. I for one wouldn't quarter either type of animal but cats and their masters continue to baffle me. First of all they are very mysterious beasts, they seem to generate absolute power over their owners and live the life of luxury. After all the years of progress human civilization has made, it amazes me the number of people who still feel it is necessary to clean up the feces of another species. I just don't understand. Then these cats live a life of deceit and hiding, I observed a group of cats this weekend and was told by the proprietors, “Oh, they only come out when they are hungry. Now let me get this straight, the two main pleasures the cat owner gets are; buying expensive food to feed the cat and then shoveling its dump out of a freshly scented box of synthetic sand. As a matter of fact, in 48 hours I didn't even see all four cats this family owned, but I saw that they ate several cans of food and dropped off quite a few loads. With all that enjoyment it's a wonder why we don't all have cats. Another thing is that cats come off as very unpredictable and frankly they scare the crap out of me. They appear out of nowhere much like David Copperfield, stare you in the eye with a look that says, "One false move buddy and I will tear your eyes out™. I don't know if I am supposed to pet them or ignore them or what, I need to get more information about the cat playing protocol. Now I would agree that cats can be very beautiful, and maybe that justifies taking one in, but it would take one gorgeous pussy to get me to go to such ends.

Speaking of pussies, some of the tailgate family got together this weekend to watch our favorite football cats, the Lions. Last week the team president compares them to The Lion from the Wizard of Oz and they respond by muscling out a win against the Bears. It took a few breaks but what a big step in the right direction for the Motor City team. As we looked on from the friendly confines of the Godfather's it was apparent the old fellow became torn between whom he wanted to win. At first he cheered for The Bears, which seem to have become his adopted team, but then when Lions nearly lost because of their usual stupidity and the health of his television set became an imminent issue, he started to think it wouldn't be so bad if the Bears lost. Actually we all remained pretty calm and had a great time in Stubensville. Much thanks to the entire Moore family for providing food, shelter, and great entertainment!

How about the sniper duo, I thought Jamaica produced laid-back individuals who liked funk music and a good doobie. Now how unfortunate it is for our nation that the only known people out of Jamaica now include the son of sniper and a groundbreaking bobsled team. I am still confused about both situations????

And alas this week we have our Homecoming. Allegedly the University of Illinois invented the tradition, but that is more than a bit suspect. Let us prepare for some scrumptious treats and a Halloweenish decor. Surely there will be plenty of Cuba Libras to go around!

Remember, we are not here a long time so we better keep on having a good time!

TugboatJ

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How To Beat Michigan in Six Easy Steps

Rules of the Game

Dear Big Ten Schools That Are Perennial Bottom to Middle Feeders Within Our Conference:

Please print and use this guide as necessary before inviting the Wolverines to your domain. This is a list of what to do if you would like to beat the Wolverines and other travelling foes.

#1. Don't Piss Off Your Away Fans. At Michigan, and at every other Big Ten stadium which I have attended (which only leaves Minnesota's Metrodome) fans of either team are actually allowed into the stadium. In Boilerville, Michigan fans were corralled into high school bleachers, unreachable through the actual stadium, and with it's own gate. The concession stand was slightly smaller than the one we have at Riverview High School, and was run by a group of people that we're obviously left-overs from the long defunct Jack-In-The-Box franchise and we're lucky enough to find gainful employment in West Lafayette. Getting a soda only took me from Michigan's half-ending field goal to three-minutes into the third quarter. The only good thing about it is that I didn't have to endure the parading around of the so-called 'World's Biggest Drum'. Eight feet in diameter, 4 feet wide and at least 10 feet high on its mount, the drum requires four band members to pull it and two to pound on it. However, the real 'World's Largest Drum' is the is the Ireland Millennium Drum, which has a diameter of 15.49 ft and is 6.28 ft deep. Meanwhile, Purdue can continue to debate if it even has the largest drum in college football, with Texas boasting the same claim.

So yes, the stadium experience was less than par. Couple that with the fact that parking is only allowed starting three hours before kickoff, and is limited, other than some key areas 3/4 mile plus from the gate (our private gate, that is) and you've got yourself a problem.

#2. Think Before You Renovate. If you've been to eye-sore that is Ross-Ade in the past, you may welcome the fact that they're two-thirds of the way into a stadium renovation. Luckily, the special entrance we were privied to was on a side that had been completed. In other words, they had bricked-in the concrete with the rust stains, and built a new press-box with what is called 'Club-Seating'. This 'Club-Seating' can be likened to your typical suite in a professional stadium. These seats are for the Purdue faithful that wish to come and celebrate their 511- 443- 48 all time record, and their staggering number of Big Ten Titles, eight, which is just good enough to tie them with Northwestern for 7th place all-time. I heard some great things about the Ross-Ade renovation, more concessions, more bathrooms, etc. These things sound great, unfortunately, I wasn't allowed into the rest of the stadium to see these things. I had an away fan ticket.

Hopefully, the renovation isn't also an expansion. Well into gametime, thousands of seats stood empty....for arguably the biggest home game of the season.

#3. Unless you are Notre Dame, you should never allow your team to wear, and/or have, an alternate uniform. Especially a khaki colored one.

#4. The scoreboard is to be used for informational purposes, the audio system is for your PA announcer, and the video screen suplements the game coverage with the occasional replay. The scoreboard should not be used to garner enthusiasm that your team, fans, and band fail to create by showing clips of 'Braveheart', and asking your fans to 'Make Some Noise' or in this case, 'Boiler Up'. In addition, do not play progressive metal when your team enters the field. Was that Marilyn Manson? John Purdue is rolling over in his grave right now. In addition, try to get a PA announcer with a deep, commanding-voice. The whiny kid you have isn't worthy of your new press box.

#5. If your quarterback is demolishing the competition, leave him in. 'Nuff said. The subbing of Kyle Orton for Brandon Kirsch was probably the biggest coaching faux pas of the weekend aside from Bobby Williams getting to coach at all.

#6. T-shirts containing the F-Bomb followed by your opponents name are strictly prohibited. Bubba found one after the game.

All Things Considered

Hey, you have tp give credit where credit is due. Purdue gave the Wolverines everything they could handle. Change the fate of a couple of field goals and you would have changed the outcome. Purdue stood tall stopping the Wolverines in short yardage situations all day long. More importantly, they did it in key situations. Thus the reason the Wolverines amassed 420 yards, but only 23 points en route to the 23-21 victory in West Lafayette on Saturday.

Up Next: The Hawkeyes for Homecoming and Tuggy's update on Thursday. Stay tuned.

GO BLUE!!!

The Webmaster