Slaphappy Staff Predictions for Michigan Agricultural College

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​The Hammer:

This week has proven to be the toughest for me by far. This is vintage Michigan State, acting the fool just to make a possible upset bid all the more disgraceful to our school. Typical MSU, NOT typical Michigan. This is game one of the long road to the promise land my friends. Matt Trannon might have more completed passes than Drew Stanton this week. I'll give them 10 just because...but that's being generous. The only motivation Michigan ever needs should be proving that "last week" was no fluke. Validating each win with another win. Catch my drift?! Getting better every week. We go into week 6 needing to validate our 5-0 record and we'll go into week 7 needing to validate 6-0.

Michigan 31
East Lansing 10
(wait till you see the enthusiasm of their fans when they take a 7-0 lead, only to get three the rest of the way)

DMVP - Shawn Crable
OMVP - Mike Hart

Johnny Cleveland not available (drunk) at press time.

XBox Says:

Michigan 28
Michigan State 13

The Webmaster:

I'm with the Hammer in that this has got "bullshit call gives Sparty victory" or "broken play gives Sparty victory" written all over it. So we cannot afford to keep them in our rear view mirror. They must be buried. And after Lamarr removes torso from legs, you can get your shovels out. Michigan will win, cover, and unfortunately end the Michigan State career of John L. Smith. We will miss you John L...you crazy bastard.

Michigan 27
Michigan State 6

It's Time to Hate Your Neighbor: The Michigan State Preview

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I can't remember it ever being this quiet. Not ever. Michigan State can be grateful to the Detroit Tigers from taking the focus off of them this week. It has reached a point where I am not sure how to make fun of them anymore. It's really no longer funny. It is truly tragic.

Why hate State? I can think of a million reasons. But let's just start with how they've disgraced themselves and their University this season:

  • Started Stanton for Heisman campaign

  • Blew 17-point 4th quarter lead to Notre Dame. Highlights included a kick returner taking a knee at the 12-yard line.

  • Started "Guard Duty" on the 'S' on the 50-yard line. A move designed to thwart attacks from opposing teams trying to perform the "flag plant" that Michigan State innovated last season at Notre Dame.

  • Fell to the Fighting Illini on a last second field goal 23-20. Illinois was 26-point underdogs, and hadn't won a Big Ten game since 2004.

  • Started a post game melee with Illinois via the aforementioned "Guard Duty," bringing all the class of Florida State-Miami to East Lansing.

  • Coach John L. Smith praised the post game fight, and basically called for flag planting to be instated as spoils of victory. Then he slapped himself in the face. You can't make this shit up.

For me it's a lifetime of green-and-white-wearing idiots and their unbelievable flip-flopping superiority-to-inferiority complexes. It's their gorilla math and reasoning that made them think they were better than us because they were able to beat Notre Dame more often than us the past few seasons. It's their immediate default to "basketball season" after the Michigan game. And when things are going really bad (like this year) they get condescending. No doubt you are going to hear some version of "You guys are going to kill us this year" or "I hope you guys kill us so we can get rid of John L" or "Midnight madness is right around the corner." But don't be swayed, Sparty still feels pain on Michigan-Michigan State Saturday. This year will just send them deeper into the abyss of misery.

The College:

  • Enrollment: 45,166

  • Mascot: Sparty

  • Famous for pioneering degrees in packaging and music therapy.

Famous Alumni:

The Numbers:

  • Michigan is 65-28-5 all-time against Michigan State, including 8-2 in the last 10, winning the last four in a row

  • Michigan State boasts the nation's 9th ranked rushing offense

  • Chad Henne needs only 228 yards to move into 2nd place all-time in passing yardage at Michigan.

  • This will be the 99th meeting between Michigan and Michigan State

Who to watch:

  • Drew Stanton, QB
    • You might want to get there early to see this guy. He's got a cannon, and he can take off running at any time... but look for Lamarr to finish separating the meat clinging to his ribs sometime in the first quarter. Is Dowdell available?

More Reasons to hate Sparty:

  • Their giant, horribly designed, grotesquely separated campus

  • Johnny Spirit

  • 2001

  • The angry and elf-like Tom Izzo

  • Their ambiguously gay mascot

Fun Facts

An Outsider's Perspective

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by Tuba​

It's not often that I feel like I'm on the outside looking in when it comes to Michigan football, but this game doesn’t mean the same to me as it does to those of you with Michigan Drivers licenses. In fact, in 2000 I went to Indianapolis for the final four and was rooting for Mateen and the boys. I'm not sure if I've ever hated State but I do know one thing for sure, I once loved East Lansing...

I got to Michigan two weeks before school started in August of 1994 to attend band camp. And since that time I have been one of many things... Tuba player, a gangster from Brooklyn, a Mark Messier fan and even an obnoxious New Yorker. (Some might say I'm every bit of all of them till this day). But it was on a late fall afternoon at a fraternity behind South Quad that my relationship with MSU was born. A couple of my hall mates asked me if I'd like to go to East Lansing. Now, the one thing I was told before I got to Ann Arbor by a distant cousin of mine was "the girls are hotter at State." With this in mind I slammed my beer (as that was the challenge for me in order to gain permission to ride) and rolled out to East Lansing. The scene was electric. Beer and breasts. I was ecstatic! And when we were able to start a fight at the Quiznos on Grand River between two friends that attended MSU while escaping unscathed, I asked "when are we coming back?!"

Since that day I have embraced the Spartans. In a way you do with your retarded cousin, or Goody. You love their enthusiasm and their joie de vivre. You appreciate their willingness to do absolutely anything. They'll burn their couches in the street. Drink until death and piss on anyone in their way. Just ask Brett Taylor. Seriously, these people are special, hence my inability to find hatred for the underprivileged that are the Spartans. I realize this is classic Michigan arrogance and condescension. But at least I'm sincere. And that my friends is what bonds me and Sparty. Our sincerity. They have a belief in themselves, their university and their football team. They touted Jeff Smoker as the best quarterback in the big ten and believed it! I thank you Michigan State for being their for us. For allowing us to have someone to feed our egos and say, "It's great to be a Michigan Wolverine!"

Since I know you're just waiting for Saturday Night...

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​by Johnny Cleveland

If you need something to occupy your time while waiting for J.L. and his three ring circus to arrive late Sat. Eve., then you have come to the right spot. Keep yourself busy with these creative musings.

Spartan Web Fun (click continue reading now)

1. Enlightenedspartan.com 

Get your John L. shirt here. Many styles and colors for you or your wife or your girlfriend and actually even your dog. Also available on many different office supplies and whatnot.

2. Spartantailgate.com

Maybe what you would call our "sister site" (just because of the name of course). Pretty hillarious continual loop of old J.L. slapping himself in the face.

3. Msuspartans.com

Weekly Press Conference by J.L. Smith. I know its a cliche, but this stuff is so high quality, you couldn't make it up. I mean seriously, you have to hear him just to appreciate how wonderful Coach Smith is. Absolutely delightful material here folks and if you listen long enough he jokes how he is thankful "they aren't very good", referring to us of course.

4. Statenews.com

The dreaded, administrative vote of confidence and support. The MSU officials say J.L. is "an excellent coach." We think so too, can you sign him to a lifetime contract Mr. Mason.

Game Two for Tupa

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​by Johnny Cleveland

I am sure these posts should come earlier in the day but I had to work. Anyway we are down 1-0 to the big bad Yanks, but we are definitely not out. Good News: I thought our overall performance was above average and we showed zero sign of intimidation. Our bats had life and little more timely hitting would have given us the lead and then who knows what would have happened. Bad News: We face Mike Mussina tonight and he is second all time in winning percentage against the Tigers. It is imperative to get some early runs and let Verlander relax. Hopefully Moose is not at 100%, he has been hurt (thumb).

Tonight's Starting Pitcher: Justin Verlander 

Though he's just a rook, JV is low stress. For one he pitches to quickly to get your smoke lit in time for the next pitch, and also you know he is going to bring heat. Yes, it could be disastrous if his control is off and the Y's blast away with favorable counts, but I look for the youngster to be poised and have a nice outing.

Recap and Probables
Tonight is definitely a 3 to 4 pack game. I went with three since I have faith. As for last night, the "white boys" did about as expected, a combined 3 for 8. Spanish Main was solid, that is except for the captain. After praising his leadership, it turns out his missed hit and run could have been the turning point. All I am saying is that it was a good call but Pudge didn't get it done. And for all you that say Pudge should have bunted, you obviously haven't watched many games this year, cuz my man is a piss poor bunter and most likely would have popped out or led to a double play. Anyway we will not win with another 0'fer from Ivan, and unfortunately Mussina can K him just about every time. So prove me wrong again pudgy. Everyone in "Gangsta's Row" had a hit including Granderson who had 3. Keep it up fellas. Mags had a nice double but he's gotta have a multiple hit game tonight.

The Pitching and Coaching: Robertson did a nice job and again I would have like to see what would have happened had we scored, like we should have, in the second and third innings. I thought twice we should have brought righties in to face Jeter, first in the 6th with Nate still throwing, and then in the 8th with Walker on the mound. Other than that, Walker did a good job and as I predicted, if we saw Grilli and/or Walker, it probably wasn't going to be a good situation. Well at least all the big dogs in the pen are rested for tonight. We will definitely see Zumaya for some work and probably Rodney. If Jonsie is spotted, good news Tiger fans.

Goal #1: Get back here for Friday Night 1-1 and we will be the buzz of the sports nation! And what a nice Prequel to Saturday nights game it would be to see The Gambler put the pin striped pussies in a 2-1 hole. LETS GO TIGERS! and while I am thinking of it, EDEAN told me to tell ya all, "Fuck State".