Four Things You Are Wasting Your Time Worrying About

​1) Piped in Music: What would it take for me to convince you that piped in music is a great idea?  If I said it would help us win just one more game, would you get on board?  I've been to every Big Ten venue.  And yes, there was a time when I mocked those that used amplified sound to induce crowd reactions.  Braveheart and that damn Boiler Up whistle in Ross-Ade...the tolling of the bell and "300" in Spartyville.  Tacky?  Maybe.  But tell me you don't find Penn State's rendition of Zombie Nation or Wisconsin's commencing of the 4th quarter with Jump Around freakin' cool.  Live a little, will ya?  Quit being such an old fart and dance.  Dance like there's no tomorrow.

2) Who's Starting Against Western Michigan: 

Mark this down as the point in which I turn a blind eye to any chance that we will lose to the Broncos.  So, that being said, whomever trots out on to the field after Greg Robinson's new look defense forces it's first three-and-out will be fine.  Look, honestly, if it is Sheridan, you shouldn't be mad that it is Sheridan, you should be disappointed that neither Tate nor Denard are ready yet.  But the writing is on the wall.  Tate and Denard both have a superior physical skill set, and that is why when the staff refers to Sheridan, you only hear that he is ahead in the area of "decision making."  This whole "all three quarterbacks will play" is such obvious coachspeak... and maybe that's what we need here, out of respect for a walk-on that has been giving it his all, and to continue to motivate two true Freshmen to duke it out in practice.

3) New Defensive Coordinator Hangover: Before "The Season That Never Happened," the previous two changes in defensive coordinator equaled unparalleled success.  Jim Herrmann took over at DC in 1997, Ron English from him in 2006.  Those two seasons represent two of the three times in Michigan history that Michigan started with an 11-0 record (the other being 1971).  With the expected improvement on offense (read: less three-and-outs) the defense will be just fine...as long as they stay healthy.

4) Your Liver and Your Cardiovascular Health: In eleven days, you will be introducing a number of toxins into your system.  Well, maybe not toxins, but beer, wine, liquor, and foods fried in partially hydrogenated vegetable shortening.  The kind of shortening that is solid at room temperature.  You can't fight it.  It's gonna happen.  The first two games are at 3:30pm, which equates to around 7 hours each pre-game of inbibing and ingesting.  But if you prepare yourself properly, you will be bright eyed at 8am, and still going strong when we return from gridiron victory.  So, right now, wherever you are, whatever you are doing...stop.  Head to the nearest liquor store and get a pint of Jack Daniel's.  Then go to  McDonalds and get a large double quarter pounder combo and tell them you want it with Big Mac sauce.  Chase that with a ten piece McNugget with BBQ and sweet and sour sauce.  Drink half of your 32oz coke, then pour in the jack.  Suck that down and repeat every other day.  On alternate days, you should spend the entire day not sitting down.

It's so close now, you can taste the Bacon Explosion.

Midweek Roundup, Hoops Abound

​Mustaches for Michigan is gaining some steam in a grass roots effort.  The basic premise?  Grow out your lip hair to show your support for Michigan in a "screw you, I love RichRod" kinda way.  Hey, I'm all for it, just don't think I can have a respectable one before September 5th.  Cook is all for it of course.  He doesn't have to do anything.  Damn hippies.

The '09-'10 

Michigan Basketball schedule is out, and it looks spectacular.  Sure Arkansas Pine Bluff and Houston Baptist are patsies, but we've got Kansas at Kansas in December, and UCONN coming to Crisler in the middle of the Big Ten slate.  Resume?  Check.  Wins?  TBD.

Staying with basketball, Manny and DeShawn are on the Wooden watch list.  When's the last time we had two players listed in the top 50 in America?  I don't know.  According to the sanction abbreviated record books, I'm guessing never.

Next time your girl says she can drive, know that she's probably lying.  And somehow, someway, CNN finds a way to blame the economy.

This Sunday marks "Michigan Fan Day" and it will take place and the spanking new house that Al Glick built/bought.

And finally...MVictors got an exclusive interview with The Godfather's favorite Wolverine, Mark Messner.

That's it.  Two weeks and two days.  God help us all.

Not buying everyone's BS

​Editors Note: FINALLY somebody else is writing!  Welcome back Johnny Cleveland...

I am breaking my silence because I am about to break some necks  I am sick and tired of all this talk of us being much improved and doubling our win total from 2008 to 6 wins in 2009.  Of course I am aware of UM peeps propensity for pessisimisity but I am not standing for it any longer.  We will not be 6 and 6.  As I saw our dilapidated crew only win 3 last season, I am not naive enough to think we are going to run the table, but as far as Michigan standards go, and my standards for that matter, 8-4 is a rebuilding season.  We are not a meddling institution that should be happy by "moving in the right direction" or "improving" on our bad season.  Last year was an anomaly, we had it coming like a stock market correction.  The pendulum swung and knocked out an era of greatness that lasted for 40 years. That year is over.  So let's not allow one season and one million detractors lower our expectations.  Not convinced yet well maybe this will help.  Even though my observations and recollections are not going to up the '08 win total, they should shed some sunshine on the fact that 6 and 6 is bullshit.

In case you forgot, we didn't have a quarterback last season.  Insert your own pent up feelings for walk on or dorkier than Navarre transfer here.  Currently we have a quarterback (or 2), so like Bill Murray in Caddyshack, "we got that going for us, which is nice".  By the way don't slough that point off with "oh yeah, but they are just unproven freshmen."  Bullshit. They are quarterbacks, I am not saying they will be good, but they are quarterbacks.

Lets start with game one '08, Utah...lost this game after a terrible showing and a valiant comeback.  We all concur we should have won this one after playing stingy Defense and forcing the Utes to settle for 5 field goals.  Oh wait...you mean possibly the worst team in Michigan history should have defeated the best team in Utah history?  Yep, I do, and we should have won with a whopping 4 yards of rushing in the first half.  This team finished #2 in the nation last year and we had them beat with 4 rushing yards in the first half.  By the way we lost by 2 points to the only undefeated team in college football.  So there you have it.  A team that was senior laden and ended up beating then #4 Alabama from the mightier than thou SEC by 14, but only measly Big Ten Bottom feeder Michigan by 2.  Did I mention that one of 2 'Bama Sugar Bowl touchdowns was a punt return?  Not a bad performance  from the Wolverines in that light now is it?  Should we compare the upstart 2009 Western Michigan team to last years Utes?  Well I guess we have to for lack of a better/similar opponent.  Well, Western is a little scary if you let them be: senior laden, high expectations, a quality senior quarterback.  Hey douchers...its Western.  We're Michigan.  We almost beat the only undefeated team in the country last year and believe me we are a lot better off now than we were then. I can guarantee little, but I can guarantee this: the Broncos will not run the table and go to the Sugar Bowl this year. Wipe off the sweat because the wolves are 1-0.

So there you have it, I am not believing in Big Ten Net announcers saying much improved 6-6.  I am not falling for all the other "publications and presses" predicting an 7th-11th place conference finish.  I am ready to break some necks, so get on board or continue your ways of cowardice, just remember I told you so.  Now get fired up, grow a mustache, do what you gotta do because its time to get All in for Michigan!

To Be Continued: Stay Tuned

Get Your Calendar Out: Tailgate Themes 2009

September 5th, Western Michigan, 3:30PM, Boats and Ho's and The Catalina Wine Mixer

• Are you ready to snap some necks and cash some checks?  Good.  This is the place to do it.  This nautically themed tailgate will christen our new spot.  We recommend donning sailor gear, and it couldn't be more appropriate as Ohio State takes on Navy that day.  Food will be somewhat seafood based, with a lot of appetizers and finger foods...like at a wine mixer...get it?  And wine.  Somebody should bring some wine.  It would also be advantageous to watch the movie Step Brothers before you come.

September 12th, Notre Dame, 3:30PM, 

The Luau

• The Luau is a theme favorite that sat out a season due to some issues with the Mountaineers  Leis, pineapples, fruity drinks, Hawaiian shirts, and all the pig you can eat.

September 19th, Eastern Michigan, Noon, 

Far-Eastern

• Our foreign exchange tailgater and official tailgate mascot will feel right at home for this Asian themed tailgate.  Egg rolls, fried rice, stir fry and the like will be on the menu.  And somebody should get some of those Chinese lanterns to hang all over the tents.

September 25th, Indiana, Noon, 

Mardi Gras

• Wow, a tough month of tailgating ends with a bang as the Mardi Gras theme adorns Michigan's Homecoming.  I'm expecting beads, boobs, and cajun catfish.

October 17th, Delaware State, TBD, 

The Urban

• Soul food, rap, 40-ounce beers, and the worst game we've ever scheduled.

October 24th, Penn State, TBD, 

Old School

• Bring your high school yearbook for this impromptu reunion.  Wear clothes from your high school era, and expect banquet hall style fare.

November 7th, Purdue, TBD, 

The Lumberjack

• I dream of this being an unlikely 3:30pm November kick because it's got all day cooking written all over it.  Likely fried turkeys at this one if time allows.  Otherwise, remember to wear your overalls.

November 21st, Ohio State, TBD, 

Soups, Stews and Chili

• Nothing like a hot bucket of soup on a cold fall day.  I'd tell you what to wear, but you will probably have a heavy coat on over it, so it won't matter.

Don't Be Two-Thousand and Late

​What?  You thought that we would make this team into a national contender, pulling in national recruits from far away states that would win every event at a Michigan high school state track final, without having to sidestep a few landmines?  No sir.  When you go after athletes of this caliber, in some extreme cases you have to lower you academic standards....your moral standards.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, we are selling our soul for National Championships.  If we weren't, Stan Parrish, Ron English, and Brady Hoke would be leading your team out of the tunnel in 26 days.

It just comes down to if you can close your eyes and turn away until the wins come.  Because when the wins come, you won't care.  Urban Meyer doesn't care.  Mostly because if he punches you in the face, you'll get a fistfull of ring imprints on your forehead.  Deal with it.  Playing by the rules and getting only the rare combo of amazing athlete and pilar of the community can get you wins.  We've proved that over 130 years.  But it also only gets you a National Championship every 50 years.  To be honest with you, I'm not sure I'm gonna be around for the 2047 championship, so if we have to dodge some bullets and take a kid or two that might have been slinging nose candy back in his hometown in order to defeat the evil sweatervest regularly, I'm "all in" for it.  And so is Billy Mays.

This is what you wanted, even though you may not admit it.  That's because you are a hypocrite.  You want the stadium to be loud, but you don't really want to cheer.  You want the tickets to be cheaper, but you don't want any advertisments.  You want a third down atmosphere that strikes fear into the opponent, but you don't want piped in music.  You want Maize Outs to be like the Penn State White Out, but you often wear blue.  You want the best players in the country to come to Michigan, but you don't want to accept anyone that wouldn't qualify academically if they were applying as a student rather than a football player.  You can't have it all.  So what you have to do is decide if you want to be Northwestern...or you want to be Florida.

So if you got on perch today and talked about the demise of the program, about how RichRod hastily brought in a dual threat quarterback at the end of his first stab at recruiting with an 'M' on his shirt without fully checking him out, then you are not part of the solution.  The solution is WINS.  He's not a babysitter.  He's a coach.  He wants wins.  And I want him to do anything possible to get those wins short of checking to see if Maurice Clarrett has any eligibility left.  This incident, while unfortunate, is the first of what I am sure will be many off the field problems we will have.  And it won't be RichRod's fault any more than it was Lloyd Carr's fault that Larry Harrision liked to show people his wang.  Hang in there.  You might feel dirty. You might feel uncomfortable.  You might not know the words to "I'm in Miami Trick" for the first few games.  But in the end, none of it will matter.  Because we'll be at a bowl game, playing the SEC, showing Ohio State what it means to represent the new Big Ten, hanging banners and hoisting trophies to Boom Boom Pow.