And Five Things You Should Be Completely Freaked Out About

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I hope Tuesday's post didn't relax you too much, just as I hope this one doesn't have you tossing and turning all weekend...

1) Catching Balls That Are Kicked: And no, I'm not referring those that are kicked illegally, a la Nebraska - Missouri 1997.  I'm talking about last year, when the defense had a rare stop, forcing a punt.  You were so excited to get the ball back, hoping against all odds that the offense was going to finally put together a drive.  Unfortunately, it seemed that the rare defensive stop often had it's effectiveness nullified by a muffed punt.  Sometimes we'd fall on it, sometimes the other team would.  Sometimes we'd catch it, and then fumble it when an unblocked gunner would lay the returner out.  Kickoff returns, and we had a lot of them, weren't any better.  Word from this year's "fall" practice has not been good.

Michigan's punt returners are having problems catching (or judging) the ball. During the morning punt period, with no oncoming cover team, return men Carlos Brown, Terrence Robinson and Martavious Odomsdropped three consecutive catchable balls. Mathews finally broke the streak with an easy snag on a line drive punt near the sideline.

Lots of drops.  I hope that somebody very sure handed ends up back there.  We should be willing to give up homerun ability for someone that looks the ball into their two hands.  In other words, I won't be upset if Steve Schilling is back there returning kicks, as long as his big mits envelop the pigskin.  There's so many big play guys on the offense, that we can't afford to take it out of their hands.

2) Kicking Balls Through A Goalpost: I don't know what it is about Michigan and kicking.  I only know that I haven't been comfortable with field goal kicking in 15 years.  There were always rumors that we don't give scholarships to kickers, or we don't recruit them hard.  I don't know why.  Two of last year's defeats were 3-points or less.  Oh, and remember App State? (sorry).  But the new regime is here now, and they recruited the #8 kicker in the class of 2009 in Brendan Gibbons.  The problem is,according to this article, Gibbons hasn't pulled away from a 5th year walk on that hasn't been on the field since 2006.  Now, some would read that and think that we've got two good kickers battling it out tit-for-tat from 52-yards out.  I'm just not one of those people.  I envision them shanking 30-yarders with regularity, which I can only pray is not the case in 9 short days.

3) The KFC Double Down Sandwich: It seems that the mainstream fast food nation is starting to become as creative as the crazy bastards at This Is Why Your Fat.  The Double Down is bacon, two kinds of cheese, and a mystery sauce...between two pieces of fried chicken.  That's right, no bun...just chicken.

Thats it? That is the sandwich?  Thats not worth five dollars.  <takes a bite>  Oh oh my God.  That is the best thing ever.  I don'y know what Colonels Sauce is, but it is like a party in my mouth.  This is completely worth the five dollars.  Unfortunately I'm going to end up weighing 700 lbs after this, but it is simply amazing.

What you should worry about is that this, if successful,  really opens up a whole new genre of "sandwich."  Next will be bacon and cheese and sauce between bacon and cheese, or two quarter pound patties with bacon and cheese and sauce wrapped in smoked brisket with sausage gravy and au jus dipping sauce.  But hey...no carbs.

4) Depth: I'll make this simple.  If anybody on that D-Line goes down, I'll see you back at the tailgate.  OK, maybe that's extreme, but we're extremely light on that side of the ball. So cross your fingers with every official's time out.

5) Mark Dantonio: If you listen to the media, you'd think this guy had MSU on the cusp of multiple Big Ten championships, that he's out recruiting us, and that he's really building something in East Lansing.  The truth is, Michigan State hasn't sniffed a conference title in 22 years, has not signed anybody that we want, and only finds Dantonio to be the second coming because their previous coaches were complete retards. It's lose-lose for Sparty anyway.  If Dantonio ever manages to get double digit wins in East Lansing, he'd just leave and get a real college coaching job.  But in the world of college football, perception is reality, and that's why this guy worries me.  I don't want a Sparty coach to have decent press conferences and say the right things (despite picking fights with Mike Hart).  I want him to slap himself in the face, go for the two-point conversion in the first quarter, and mismanage 21-point leads.  But most of all, I don't want little brother to ever...EVER...beat us in consecutive seasons.

9 days.  Tailgate dry run this weekend!

And We Say Goodbye...to Gar

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Who is Gar?  Gar is a husband, a father, a competitor, a lawyer, a tailgate neighbor, and a friend.  He is someone we have both loved and loathed.  Someone who we have gone out of our way to locate at away games, and on some occasions made no effort at all to see even though he was a mere quarter-mile away after we traveled 400 miles.  He is a chef, coming up with such creations as the Garwich and reuben casserole.  He has surrounded himself with a rag tag cast of characters that often includes JJ, whose marinated salmon comes close to turning your attention away from the inordinate amount of chest hair that is billowing out of the neck of his shirt, and Cooper, whose blind dedication is noble...if not a bit mancrush-ish.  There's a couple of other guys, they don't talk much, don't contribute anything of note in a physical sense, but they do provide a quiet comfortability, like red necks on a porch drinking Miller High Life gazing at a dust jacket covered Impala on blocks in their front yard.  But none of that matters.  He would tailgate alone if the situation presented itself.  He invites you, but doesn't need you.  He'll cook a bushel basket full of Garwiches, and if they go uneaten, he'll eat those things all week, and as he bites into that tenth one on Tuesday of the following week, the glint in his eye will undoubtedly say "kiss my ass."

Gar is a man that rules a world, his world...Gar's World. You just live in it.

In a mere 10 days, our group will assemble in a new spot, away from Ann Arbor Golf and Outing for the first time in 15 years, before this website existed, before the web itself existed.  Gone will be the wide open spaces, the lush fairway, children playing in the sandtrap, men peeing in the trees, and our tailgate neighbor's triple wide Michigan tent tucked into the fir trees.  That tent, in that spot, just a stone's throw away from our group of 100+, once was Gar's home, and often times it only Gar's home...until much closer to kickoff.

In the end though, we will certainly miss his wit, his misdirected politics, his passion for Michigan Football, his keen ability to take a group picture, and his earring.  Gar is moving too, to a land without alcohol.  But I'm sure if you visit him, you will still be able to get your Miller High Life in a solo cup, a Garwich, and a lesson in the communistic ideals of nationalized healthcare.

Gar.  Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar.  Goodbye.

Shit.  We'll probably see him at Iowa.

Four Things You Are Wasting Your Time Worrying About

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​1) Piped in Music: What would it take for me to convince you that piped in music is a great idea?  If I said it would help us win just one more game, would you get on board?  I've been to every Big Ten venue.  And yes, there was a time when I mocked those that used amplified sound to induce crowd reactions.  Braveheart and that damn Boiler Up whistle in Ross-Ade...the tolling of the bell and "300" in Spartyville.  Tacky?  Maybe.  But tell me you don't find Penn State's rendition of Zombie Nation or Wisconsin's commencing of the 4th quarter with Jump Around freakin' cool.  Live a little, will ya?  Quit being such an old fart and dance.  Dance like there's no tomorrow.

2) Who's Starting Against Western Michigan: 

Mark this down as the point in which I turn a blind eye to any chance that we will lose to the Broncos.  So, that being said, whomever trots out on to the field after Greg Robinson's new look defense forces it's first three-and-out will be fine.  Look, honestly, if it is Sheridan, you shouldn't be mad that it is Sheridan, you should be disappointed that neither Tate nor Denard are ready yet.  But the writing is on the wall.  Tate and Denard both have a superior physical skill set, and that is why when the staff refers to Sheridan, you only hear that he is ahead in the area of "decision making."  This whole "all three quarterbacks will play" is such obvious coachspeak... and maybe that's what we need here, out of respect for a walk-on that has been giving it his all, and to continue to motivate two true Freshmen to duke it out in practice.

3) New Defensive Coordinator Hangover: Before "The Season That Never Happened," the previous two changes in defensive coordinator equaled unparalleled success.  Jim Herrmann took over at DC in 1997, Ron English from him in 2006.  Those two seasons represent two of the three times in Michigan history that Michigan started with an 11-0 record (the other being 1971).  With the expected improvement on offense (read: less three-and-outs) the defense will be just fine...as long as they stay healthy.

4) Your Liver and Your Cardiovascular Health: In eleven days, you will be introducing a number of toxins into your system.  Well, maybe not toxins, but beer, wine, liquor, and foods fried in partially hydrogenated vegetable shortening.  The kind of shortening that is solid at room temperature.  You can't fight it.  It's gonna happen.  The first two games are at 3:30pm, which equates to around 7 hours each pre-game of inbibing and ingesting.  But if you prepare yourself properly, you will be bright eyed at 8am, and still going strong when we return from gridiron victory.  So, right now, wherever you are, whatever you are doing...stop.  Head to the nearest liquor store and get a pint of Jack Daniel's.  Then go to  McDonalds and get a large double quarter pounder combo and tell them you want it with Big Mac sauce.  Chase that with a ten piece McNugget with BBQ and sweet and sour sauce.  Drink half of your 32oz coke, then pour in the jack.  Suck that down and repeat every other day.  On alternate days, you should spend the entire day not sitting down.

It's so close now, you can taste the Bacon Explosion.

Midweek Roundup, Hoops Abound

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​Mustaches for Michigan is gaining some steam in a grass roots effort.  The basic premise?  Grow out your lip hair to show your support for Michigan in a "screw you, I love RichRod" kinda way.  Hey, I'm all for it, just don't think I can have a respectable one before September 5th.  Cook is all for it of course.  He doesn't have to do anything.  Damn hippies.

The '09-'10 

Michigan Basketball schedule is out, and it looks spectacular.  Sure Arkansas Pine Bluff and Houston Baptist are patsies, but we've got Kansas at Kansas in December, and UCONN coming to Crisler in the middle of the Big Ten slate.  Resume?  Check.  Wins?  TBD.

Staying with basketball, Manny and DeShawn are on the Wooden watch list.  When's the last time we had two players listed in the top 50 in America?  I don't know.  According to the sanction abbreviated record books, I'm guessing never.

Next time your girl says she can drive, know that she's probably lying.  And somehow, someway, CNN finds a way to blame the economy.

This Sunday marks "Michigan Fan Day" and it will take place and the spanking new house that Al Glick built/bought.

And finally...MVictors got an exclusive interview with The Godfather's favorite Wolverine, Mark Messner.

That's it.  Two weeks and two days.  God help us all.