Photos Mostly From Another Country: The Minnesota Tailgate from Home Pictures 2020

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Tailgating from home is not tailgating.  There needs to be an actual physical tailgate (meaning the ass end of a vehicle) in the general vicinity of food, alcohol, and the venue in which the contest is taking place, with some of the people involved holding tickets to get in to said contest.  

My petition to adopt Dylan McCaffrey went so poorly he decided to leave the team, so here we are.  Grainy and out-of-focus screenshots of FaceTime calls,  Frydaddy suggestively cuddling a giant meat dick, random wedding pictures, baby pictures, family pictures, and…and…what’s this? WHAT? IS? THIS? A bunch of pictures from what looks like an actual tailgate with people outside drinking, eating, and having a good ol’ time!?!?!  CANADIANS!?!?

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Tents are up.  Tables are decorated.  Food is prepared.  

I’ve got 12 long years of dealing with this group of very French-Canadians (I don’t know their actual names) and once the Florida State loving one with the friend that outweighed me stopped coming to games, the entire lot of them started showing up after the trailer was unloaded and the tents were up.  They roll in around 10AM, eat most of the bacon, and hand out a couple of Bloody Caesars to try to make up for it.  

Somehow, one of them recently won a birdhouse (given to the tailgate MVP each year).  I think he caught us at a weak point, and might have put something in that weird cream-based whiskey he kept forcing on us.  I think another one got a birdhouse for taking pictures for like 2 weeks and scanning half of a photobook from Godfather’s archives.  That abandoned scanning project has been dumped on me during Covid, filling an entire bedroom with books full of crappy pics taken with a child’s camera.  Another Canadian, the one that seems mostly ginger and rocks a flavor savor, forced us into making a Canadian birdhouse just so he could get one.  Now he re-carbonates already carbonated beer and posts pictures of it on the internet.

I thought they just ate snow all week and hibernated from December to August, but here they are, fending for themselves, cooking, eating, putting up tents without direction.  Good lord, even putting the walls up on the tents.  Imagine if I ever asked Captain Carbonation to do that.  Insert perennial eye roll here.

Oh well, can’t do nothing about it this year.  

I think I’m going to roll the grill out and make some hash this Saturday though.  Holler at me if you want to pop in.  On to the pictures...

Little Brown Jugular: Michigan 49, Minnesota 24

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“Little Brown Jugular,” I am almost certain, is the Michigan Daily cover title from a mid-90’s housing of the Gophers. I seem to remember that the title had blood dripping down from it. Maybe it was a Halloween thing? Can’t recall. Will continue to research.

**UPDATE, FOUND! From Michigan’s 44-10 victory over the Gophers from 1996.

ANYWAY…Ben Mason is a limber acrobat (that still gets dumb penalties) in 2020. So, THINGS ARE WEIRD.

John Autey / Pioneer Press

John Autey / Pioneer Press

I mean, REALLY WEIRD.

It was a cold night in Minnesota.  And that shitty $10 souvenir hot chocolate you’ve had at Stadium and Main?  I can confirm that’s a Big Ten staple.  Crappy non-functional plastic slider top, watery, lukewarm when you got it, and cold before you make the steep climb back to your seat on the precipice of a six story drop off of a metal upper deck (Spartan, Beaver, Ohio, old Ross-Ade end zone, I’m talking to you).  There’s a willingness to huddle with strangers in these scenarios, hopefully they’re in Maize and Blue, though you’d probably brave the stench of the body odor and dip spit of a Buckeye-laden human windscreen if it made itself available.  In the uncharted territory that is a Covid situation, with no other like-minded folks to huddle up against, those family members in attendance felt every bit of that 28 degrees whip through their bodies.  Joe Milton from Pahokee apparently did not, and required nary a sleeve until he was relieved for garbage time by Cade McNamara and draped himself in a grey Nike down comforter like it was a king’s robe.

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A Ranked Road Win at Night is a fantastic thing.  Something you hang your hat on as a team and boast about as a fan.  So first, let’s do that.  Go ahead, seriously, permission granted to enjoy something in 2020.  Punted once.  The newly formed O-line graded roads.  So many running backs we can’t decide which one we want to have the 10ypc average.  New QB in his first start managed the game with poise, moved like Devin, threw like he was trying to win a radar gun contest.  Blake Corum was so fast that Carrie Ann Moss called Keanu Reeves to tell him that “he moves like you do.” When Charbonnet talked me off the ledge that I was on after the first drive comedy of errors finally led to a blocked punt, it occurred to to me that I haven’t seen a Michigan running back get separation from people chasing him since, well, ever.  And if you watched the game, you are probably convinced that there is more than one Michael Barrett.  Dude left it all on the field.

So many touches by so many folks, it’s the proverbial (fill in any offensive skill position here) by committee.  The Team the Team the Team at it’s finest, with one solid constant pitching fastballs and handing it off.  No standout stats, but the football equivalent of a hoops game with every player in double figures.

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In the end, it was an unapologetic 49-24 drubbing of Row the Boat, the darlings of the 2019 Big Ten season, and PJ Fleck, who I’ve heard second hand is kind of a dick.  Seriously, Jerry Kill is a god-damned treasure, and he wants to punch PJ Fleck in the face. It was as impressive of an opening victory as you can find in the annals.  It’s true that the story of how good Minny might be is still to be told, not unlike the 2017 Florida Gators, who is the only Michigan opponent in an opener this century that meets the not-at-home-victory-against-a-ranked-team criteria.  We thought they were good too. They were not. But Saturday’s win should suffice to shut up the naysayers that think Michigan rebuilds, when in fact they reload.  Sure, they reload at a 9-4 or 10-3 caliber, but that is enough to expect victory against the Minnesotas of the world, whatever the scenario.

Moving on to the Work From Home aspect of the game, the tailgate was great.  Not quite the turnout I expected.  Only two people, but they were enthusiastic.  Pizza House catered and the feta bread was, as always, delish.  I must say, I thought that watching from the couch would provide game insight that I didn’t get being in the stands.  But I’m surprised to find that somehow a Michigan road crowd with mostly signal-crippled cell phones provides collective knowledge beyond what I could get on my home WiFi.   I found myself scouring twitter throughout, as the broadcast left something to be desired.  Herby was accused of mailing it in by many a Michigan viewer.  I yelled at the screen a bit when he tried to praise Bateman when he started making catches late, not acknowledging that it was only because Dax was sidelined.  

Minnesota seemed to always be floating around, seemingly on an endless drive-before-the-drive that they couldn’t quite execute, but close enough to keep our attention and dread intact for most of the game.  That is until Kwity Paye went full finishing move(s), with sack dances in the general direction of a human-less abyss.  THINGS ARE WEIRD.

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Next week we’ll need the RichRod and Hoke era people counters to come in to tell us that the consecutive streak of 100,000 fans continues as we battle Michigan Agricultural College.  Mel Tucker and friends had a little different experience over the weekend.  You might have heard about it.

GO BLUE!

Way Back When-sday Captures A Historic Event

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October 24, 1992: The Godfather serves food to a tailgater before Michigan’s 63-13 victory over the Golden Gophers. In the 28 years since this photo, he has not cooked or served a single morsel of food.

However, he has handed out a lot of sugary, caffeinated, un-naturally colored shots and probably given your girlfriend or wife an uncomfortably long hug. More photos from that day and a link to game highlights are available here.