Photos From When They Took Paul: The Crowdsourced MSU Tailgate Pics 2020

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Sure, they're 10 days late. But as you may know if you’ve ever spent time on this shitty site, when we lose, I stop posting. You’re lucky you’re even seeing these. Anyway, some of these are pretty great, back when we thought we might be good. Of note, I was black out drunk for the entire second half of this game, which was a great decision.

The damn Canadians seemed to have a jolly old time again. Frying up wings, really getting into it. I’m guessing things were a little different this past weekend though. In a normal season they talk a lot of trash before the first game about how much they’re going to be involved and set up stuff, etc…but that wears off by week 3 if not sooner.

And wait until you see the Indiana tailgate pics. Nobody texted me anything that whole day. Might just post one electoral map and one covid map.

Diminishing Returns on Enthusiasm Unknown to Mankind: Indiana 38, Michigan 21

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October 24th was a row-the-boat-induced aberration. What appeared to be a “good enough” defense combined with what seemed to be the greatest ground and pound party in the Big Ten was propped up by Gopher inadequacies, and subsequently folded seven days later against Little Bro. On that day, in front of the 3rd largest crowd watching a football game in Washtenaw County that weekend, the defensive backfield speed was exposed and the ground game fizzled. On Saturday in Bloomington, the secondary didn’t magically improve despite our prayers to Yost. The ground game, now riddled with OL injuries, is but a shadow of itself 14 days prior. Unfortunately, there are no Minnesotas left on the schedule (though maybe there is a Penn State of similar caliber), and the simple eye test, the one that failed us a couple weeks ago, is providing a crystal clear referendum on Michigan Football: This is one of the bottom teams in what is proving to be an overall mediocre Big Ten, even by Big Ten standards.

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The only possible respite from this nightmare seems to be a Wisconsin-Doesn’t-Wash-Their-Hands Covid-induced bye. Sure, you could say covid effectively destroyed 2020 Michigan Football when it coaxed early retirement out of Ambry and Nico. But swirling rumors (if you believe some stories floating around the boards) of further expansion of a gap between staff and player are concerning and can only be aggravated by the in-person day-to-day rah rah aspect of Michigan football moving to zoom meetings. Anyway, as of Monday it looks like the Badgers are injecting enough bleach at the 11th hour to make that game happen. No excuses. Everybody is dealing with this at some level. The buck stops with Jim.

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We all wanted him. We all wanted that quick turnaround. It was the perfect story and the perfect fit. But, we knew what we were getting into. We had heard the rumblings. His history showed diminished returns on Enthusiasm Unknown to Mankind at his previous stops around year 4. Despite our confidence that the alma mater effect would not let that happen here, perhaps it is. More disappointing is that Michigan didn’t seem to get that signature moment like Stanford or San Fran. They both got to the edge of greatness. We have had to settle for being on the edge of being on the edge of greatness. That's one additional degree of Kevin Bacon away from where you need to be to have the law of averages sneak you a championship. The Wolverines have hit that “two steps away” spot in about half of the Harbaugh years. That’s those early-November-appearance-in-the-CFP-poll years, or basically any year where the winner of The Game would be going to Indy. Those were almost enough. Michigan got really really close. If JT was in fact short maybe history changes. But now they seem to be flirting with a lesser tier. To a point where today, just 3 games in, the Wolverines have played themselves out of the discussion for the season, with prospects for the future dwindling.

Greg Bartram-USA TODAY Sports

Greg Bartram-USA TODAY Sports

I don’t know how this Michigan team will play with their backs against the wall the way they are right now. I know how previous teams have reacted to similar circumstances under Harbaugh: they lose. Michigan loses games in which they are underdogs under Harbaugh at like a 95% clip. When there’s no respect, they don’t seem to be motivated to prove otherwise. They just plow forward with the idea that being Michigan is enough, a concept that when it was successful in the 70s through the 90s was pretty badass. But when it’s not successful (like the last 20 years) it becomes a liability that breeds apathy and lack of preparation.

On Saturday, with so much to prove after what I affectionately refer to as App State III (Toledo was App State II), Michigan was manhandled from start to finish.

When Michigan was on defense, the entire country (including Don Brown) knew what Indiana was going to do and when they did it, Michigan couldn’t stop it. There seems to be a small handful players whose talent overcomes a scheme that doesn’t fit the remainder of the defensive personnel available, and they are the only reason things weren’t more lopsided…and then 2 of them got injured. Compounding not having the horses for the race were issues at a fundamental level in the form of a bevy of offsides penalties that showed a straight up lack of discipline, or preparation, or both.

When Michigan was on offense, the entire country knew what Michigan was going to do, and they did it anyway, and kept doing it, despite failure. Without Joe Milton’s raw talent and Devin Gardner-like toughness the Wolverines might not have sniffed the end zone. Joe Milton is a good enough quarterback to lead Michigan to a championship. In a few more games, he might even go from good to great. But he can’t do it all. Obligatory shout out to Ronnie Bell here, who plays above his talent and wants so badly to carry this team.

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I don’t know how or if this can be salvaged, both at a season and a program level. People like to hammer the $7 million salary Harbaugh is paid to go 0-5 against OSU, and 1-1000 against ranked teams or whatever. That’s all fine and good, and has its place in the pantheon of Michigan fan frustration. But personally as a fan, season ticket holder, and donator to the program, I am very much more interested in not being embarrassed any more than we have been already in 2020. Recovering from what has happened by effectively checking down to a manageable scheme on both sides of the ball that uses cool gimmicks and innovative coaching to maximize the talent on the roster — that’s how you earn your salary. Show improvement. BETTER TODAY THAN YESTERDAY, BETTER TOMORROW THAN TODAY, amirite?

When everything seems to be crumbling and the breaks aren’t going your way, that’s what the money is for. You’re supposed to be able to turn this shit around. And man, there’s no one we’d rather have do it than Jim Harbaugh.

Go Blue.

Way Back When-sday Pics of the Week Had a Bigger Penix

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New scanned album: Michigan State 1997

October 25, 1997: And you thought Indiana’s QB could stretch. How about doing it up in the air, twisting your arm around like it’s double jointed, and making a one-handed catch against a Nick Saban led Spartan team.

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Way cooler than that weak horizontal shit coming up short of the pylon.  I can’t say I wasn’t pleased with the results though. I maintain all reviewable calls should go against Penn State in perpetuity except when playing Ohio.  

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So we’ve got a fresh pile of scanned goodness from The Godfather, marking my first foray in to the 1997 albums, which hold a near and dear place in my heart for a few reasons:  I was in college, I got introduced to the UMTailgate crew for the first time early in that season, and then we went all National Championship on that ass.  

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You won’t see me in any of these, as I was traveling with Kevin Cowbell, who I met up with at a gas station, and who started his car at that time with a screwdriver.  I think there’s a couple of pictures from my side of the tailgate floating around somewhere.  I’ll dig around.  Anyway, the full Michigan State 1997 recap and album is here.

Photos Mostly From Another Country: The Minnesota Tailgate from Home Pictures 2020

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Tailgating from home is not tailgating.  There needs to be an actual physical tailgate (meaning the ass end of a vehicle) in the general vicinity of food, alcohol, and the venue in which the contest is taking place, with some of the people involved holding tickets to get in to said contest.  

My petition to adopt Dylan McCaffrey went so poorly he decided to leave the team, so here we are.  Grainy and out-of-focus screenshots of FaceTime calls,  Frydaddy suggestively cuddling a giant meat dick, random wedding pictures, baby pictures, family pictures, and…and…what’s this? WHAT? IS? THIS? A bunch of pictures from what looks like an actual tailgate with people outside drinking, eating, and having a good ol’ time!?!?!  CANADIANS!?!?

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Tents are up.  Tables are decorated.  Food is prepared.  

I’ve got 12 long years of dealing with this group of very French-Canadians (I don’t know their actual names) and once the Florida State loving one with the friend that outweighed me stopped coming to games, the entire lot of them started showing up after the trailer was unloaded and the tents were up.  They roll in around 10AM, eat most of the bacon, and hand out a couple of Bloody Caesars to try to make up for it.  

Somehow, one of them recently won a birdhouse (given to the tailgate MVP each year).  I think he caught us at a weak point, and might have put something in that weird cream-based whiskey he kept forcing on us.  I think another one got a birdhouse for taking pictures for like 2 weeks and scanning half of a photobook from Godfather’s archives.  That abandoned scanning project has been dumped on me during Covid, filling an entire bedroom with books full of crappy pics taken with a child’s camera.  Another Canadian, the one that seems mostly ginger and rocks a flavor savor, forced us into making a Canadian birdhouse just so he could get one.  Now he re-carbonates already carbonated beer and posts pictures of it on the internet.

I thought they just ate snow all week and hibernated from December to August, but here they are, fending for themselves, cooking, eating, putting up tents without direction.  Good lord, even putting the walls up on the tents.  Imagine if I ever asked Captain Carbonation to do that.  Insert perennial eye roll here.

Oh well, can’t do nothing about it this year.  

I think I’m going to roll the grill out and make some hash this Saturday though.  Holler at me if you want to pop in.  On to the pictures...

Little Brown Jugular: Michigan 49, Minnesota 24

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“Little Brown Jugular,” I am almost certain, is the Michigan Daily cover title from a mid-90’s housing of the Gophers. I seem to remember that the title had blood dripping down from it. Maybe it was a Halloween thing? Can’t recall. Will continue to research.

**UPDATE, FOUND! From Michigan’s 44-10 victory over the Gophers from 1996.

ANYWAY…Ben Mason is a limber acrobat (that still gets dumb penalties) in 2020. So, THINGS ARE WEIRD.

John Autey / Pioneer Press

John Autey / Pioneer Press

I mean, REALLY WEIRD.

It was a cold night in Minnesota.  And that shitty $10 souvenir hot chocolate you’ve had at Stadium and Main?  I can confirm that’s a Big Ten staple.  Crappy non-functional plastic slider top, watery, lukewarm when you got it, and cold before you make the steep climb back to your seat on the precipice of a six story drop off of a metal upper deck (Spartan, Beaver, Ohio, old Ross-Ade end zone, I’m talking to you).  There’s a willingness to huddle with strangers in these scenarios, hopefully they’re in Maize and Blue, though you’d probably brave the stench of the body odor and dip spit of a Buckeye-laden human windscreen if it made itself available.  In the uncharted territory that is a Covid situation, with no other like-minded folks to huddle up against, those family members in attendance felt every bit of that 28 degrees whip through their bodies.  Joe Milton from Pahokee apparently did not, and required nary a sleeve until he was relieved for garbage time by Cade McNamara and draped himself in a grey Nike down comforter like it was a king’s robe.

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A Ranked Road Win at Night is a fantastic thing.  Something you hang your hat on as a team and boast about as a fan.  So first, let’s do that.  Go ahead, seriously, permission granted to enjoy something in 2020.  Punted once.  The newly formed O-line graded roads.  So many running backs we can’t decide which one we want to have the 10ypc average.  New QB in his first start managed the game with poise, moved like Devin, threw like he was trying to win a radar gun contest.  Blake Corum was so fast that Carrie Ann Moss called Keanu Reeves to tell him that “he moves like you do.” When Charbonnet talked me off the ledge that I was on after the first drive comedy of errors finally led to a blocked punt, it occurred to to me that I haven’t seen a Michigan running back get separation from people chasing him since, well, ever.  And if you watched the game, you are probably convinced that there is more than one Michael Barrett.  Dude left it all on the field.

So many touches by so many folks, it’s the proverbial (fill in any offensive skill position here) by committee.  The Team the Team the Team at it’s finest, with one solid constant pitching fastballs and handing it off.  No standout stats, but the football equivalent of a hoops game with every player in double figures.

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In the end, it was an unapologetic 49-24 drubbing of Row the Boat, the darlings of the 2019 Big Ten season, and PJ Fleck, who I’ve heard second hand is kind of a dick.  Seriously, Jerry Kill is a god-damned treasure, and he wants to punch PJ Fleck in the face. It was as impressive of an opening victory as you can find in the annals.  It’s true that the story of how good Minny might be is still to be told, not unlike the 2017 Florida Gators, who is the only Michigan opponent in an opener this century that meets the not-at-home-victory-against-a-ranked-team criteria.  We thought they were good too. They were not. But Saturday’s win should suffice to shut up the naysayers that think Michigan rebuilds, when in fact they reload.  Sure, they reload at a 9-4 or 10-3 caliber, but that is enough to expect victory against the Minnesotas of the world, whatever the scenario.

Moving on to the Work From Home aspect of the game, the tailgate was great.  Not quite the turnout I expected.  Only two people, but they were enthusiastic.  Pizza House catered and the feta bread was, as always, delish.  I must say, I thought that watching from the couch would provide game insight that I didn’t get being in the stands.  But I’m surprised to find that somehow a Michigan road crowd with mostly signal-crippled cell phones provides collective knowledge beyond what I could get on my home WiFi.   I found myself scouring twitter throughout, as the broadcast left something to be desired.  Herby was accused of mailing it in by many a Michigan viewer.  I yelled at the screen a bit when he tried to praise Bateman when he started making catches late, not acknowledging that it was only because Dax was sidelined.  

Minnesota seemed to always be floating around, seemingly on an endless drive-before-the-drive that they couldn’t quite execute, but close enough to keep our attention and dread intact for most of the game.  That is until Kwity Paye went full finishing move(s), with sack dances in the general direction of a human-less abyss.  THINGS ARE WEIRD.

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Next week we’ll need the RichRod and Hoke era people counters to come in to tell us that the consecutive streak of 100,000 fans continues as we battle Michigan Agricultural College.  Mel Tucker and friends had a little different experience over the weekend.  You might have heard about it.

GO BLUE!