Slaphappy Staff Predictions for Michigan Agricultural College

​The Hammer:

This week has proven to be the toughest for me by far. This is vintage Michigan State, acting the fool just to make a possible upset bid all the more disgraceful to our school. Typical MSU, NOT typical Michigan. This is game one of the long road to the promise land my friends. Matt Trannon might have more completed passes than Drew Stanton this week. I'll give them 10 just because...but that's being generous. The only motivation Michigan ever needs should be proving that "last week" was no fluke. Validating each win with another win. Catch my drift?! Getting better every week. We go into week 6 needing to validate our 5-0 record and we'll go into week 7 needing to validate 6-0.

Michigan 31
East Lansing 10
(wait till you see the enthusiasm of their fans when they take a 7-0 lead, only to get three the rest of the way)

DMVP - Shawn Crable
OMVP - Mike Hart

Johnny Cleveland not available (drunk) at press time.

XBox Says:

Michigan 28
Michigan State 13

The Webmaster:

I'm with the Hammer in that this has got "bullshit call gives Sparty victory" or "broken play gives Sparty victory" written all over it. So we cannot afford to keep them in our rear view mirror. They must be buried. And after Lamarr removes torso from legs, you can get your shovels out. Michigan will win, cover, and unfortunately end the Michigan State career of John L. Smith. We will miss you John L...you crazy bastard.

Michigan 27
Michigan State 6

It's Time to Hate Your Neighbor: The Michigan State Preview

I can't remember it ever being this quiet. Not ever. Michigan State can be grateful to the Detroit Tigers from taking the focus off of them this week. It has reached a point where I am not sure how to make fun of them anymore. It's really no longer funny. It is truly tragic.

Why hate State? I can think of a million reasons. But let's just start with how they've disgraced themselves and their University this season:

  • Started Stanton for Heisman campaign

  • Blew 17-point 4th quarter lead to Notre Dame. Highlights included a kick returner taking a knee at the 12-yard line.

  • Started "Guard Duty" on the 'S' on the 50-yard line. A move designed to thwart attacks from opposing teams trying to perform the "flag plant" that Michigan State innovated last season at Notre Dame.

  • Fell to the Fighting Illini on a last second field goal 23-20. Illinois was 26-point underdogs, and hadn't won a Big Ten game since 2004.

  • Started a post game melee with Illinois via the aforementioned "Guard Duty," bringing all the class of Florida State-Miami to East Lansing.

  • Coach John L. Smith praised the post game fight, and basically called for flag planting to be instated as spoils of victory. Then he slapped himself in the face. You can't make this shit up.

For me it's a lifetime of green-and-white-wearing idiots and their unbelievable flip-flopping superiority-to-inferiority complexes. It's their gorilla math and reasoning that made them think they were better than us because they were able to beat Notre Dame more often than us the past few seasons. It's their immediate default to "basketball season" after the Michigan game. And when things are going really bad (like this year) they get condescending. No doubt you are going to hear some version of "You guys are going to kill us this year" or "I hope you guys kill us so we can get rid of John L" or "Midnight madness is right around the corner." But don't be swayed, Sparty still feels pain on Michigan-Michigan State Saturday. This year will just send them deeper into the abyss of misery.

The College:

  • Enrollment: 45,166

  • Mascot: Sparty

  • Famous for pioneering degrees in packaging and music therapy.

Famous Alumni:

The Numbers:

  • Michigan is 65-28-5 all-time against Michigan State, including 8-2 in the last 10, winning the last four in a row

  • Michigan State boasts the nation's 9th ranked rushing offense

  • Chad Henne needs only 228 yards to move into 2nd place all-time in passing yardage at Michigan.

  • This will be the 99th meeting between Michigan and Michigan State

Who to watch:

  • Drew Stanton, QB
    • You might want to get there early to see this guy. He's got a cannon, and he can take off running at any time... but look for Lamarr to finish separating the meat clinging to his ribs sometime in the first quarter. Is Dowdell available?

More Reasons to hate Sparty:

  • Their giant, horribly designed, grotesquely separated campus

  • Johnny Spirit

  • 2001

  • The angry and elf-like Tom Izzo

  • Their ambiguously gay mascot

Fun Facts

An Outsider's Perspective

by Tuba

It's not often that I feel like I'm on the outside looking in when it comes to Michigan football, but this game doesn’t mean the same to me as it does to those of you with Michigan Drivers licenses. In fact, in 2000 I went to Indianapolis for the final four and was rooting for Mateen and the boys. I'm not sure if I've ever hated State but I do know one thing for sure, I once loved East Lansing...

I got to Michigan two weeks before school started in August of 1994 to attend band camp. And since that time I have been one of many things... Tuba player, a gangster from Brooklyn, a Mark Messier fan and even an obnoxious New Yorker. (Some might say I'm every bit of all of them till this day). But it was on a late fall afternoon at a fraternity behind South Quad that my relationship with MSU was born. A couple of my hall mates asked me if I'd like to go to East Lansing. Now, the one thing I was told before I got to Ann Arbor by a distant cousin of mine was "the girls are hotter at State." With this in mind I slammed my beer (as that was the challenge for me in order to gain permission to ride) and rolled out to East Lansing. The scene was electric. Beer and breasts. I was ecstatic! And when we were able to start a fight at the Quiznos on Grand River between two friends that attended MSU while escaping unscathed, I asked "when are we coming back?!"

Since that day I have embraced the Spartans. In a way you do with your retarded cousin, or Goody. You love their enthusiasm and their joie de vivre. You appreciate their willingness to do absolutely anything. They'll burn their couches in the street. Drink until death and piss on anyone in their way. Just ask Brett Taylor. Seriously, these people are special, hence my inability to find hatred for the underprivileged that are the Spartans. I realize this is classic Michigan arrogance and condescension. But at least I'm sincere. And that my friends is what bonds me and Sparty. Our sincerity. They have a belief in themselves, their university and their football team. They touted Jeff Smoker as the best quarterback in the big ten and believed it! I thank you Michigan State for being their for us. For allowing us to have someone to feed our egos and say, "It's great to be a Michigan Wolverine!"

Case of the Mundys: Still Tired From Never-Ending Drive From Minneapolis Edition

I have come to the crossroads my friends, and I have chosen a new path. It happened tonight. I have approached this football season with such cautious optimism that I have come close on several occasions to physically holding my lips together with my index finger and thumb when inspired to start spouting off about the success of this year's Wolverines. We're good. We're great. Just be quiet about it. Walk with a quiet confidence like the Wolverine squad did after dismantling the Gophers. Stride together, arm-in-arm. Pick up the Little Brown Jug. High five each other. Walk back to the locker room. Sing the victors. Go home and start thinking about Michigan State. All business.

Since Notre Dame, I've been teetering between this quiet confidence, and exploding into a fit of joy over our performances, and now the first 5-0 start since 1999. Tonight, I read this post from Ronald Bellamy's Underachieving All-Stars, which includes such brilliant writing and expresses my feelings so well, that I would like to hire this person to write my memoirs, which will most certainly be a best seller. Here's an excerpt that doesn't do it justice:

They deserve your allegiance, your respect; they deserve at least a mulligan ... though after holding the 8th best run offense in America to 108 yards, at home, it seems peculiar that they'd even have to ask for one. It's October now, and the team that last year had taken you on a disorienting waltz to the outskirts of hatred has already become the enemy of your own expectations, the ones this team has created in just four games.

Not a minute after completing the read, I got a call from The Hammer, whose emotions are often worn on his sleeve, and whose allegiance was in question during last year's campaign.  He had also read it.  It was then that the switch flipped for me, right there on the phone. I'm no longer quietly confident.

I AM READY TO PLANT A FLAG.

I AM READY TO TALK SHIT TO YOU, SPARTY. JoePa and Drew Tate...you're next. I will heretofore treat you all with the same disdain. Not because of something you did, but because you are in the way.

Get out of the way of my date on High Street in Columbus.

And Columbus, well, that's a story for a later date, filled with an anger so pent up, that its only parallel is the level of "pent up" I was after subbing in for Bubba after he puked at his bachelor party.

Yes, I know, a wounded Michigan Agricultural College is on deck, and the scare is still coming. It's #6 on the list. But it's just a scare folks, not a loss.

Around the wide world of internets...

  • Becoming a weekly must read...Lloyd's presser [MGoBlue]:
"I would say he's (David Harris) playing as well as any linebacker that I've seen this year anywhere."
  • The Angel's recap. [Detroit News]

  • Goodbye Mr. Mister Simpson...we hardly knew you. [Detroit News]

  • Looks like Max Martin won't have a chance to fumble for Alabama. [AP from MLive]

  • Drew Stanton says he doesn't like the 100,000 bandwagon jumpers. Maybe that's because his bandwagon doesn't even have his own team on it. I-L-L...I-N-I... you asshole. [Spartanmag.com]
The injuries:
  • Antonio Bass...ready to back up Henne in 2007

  • Mike Kolodziej... not ready to tell us why he is out for the season.

  • Tyler Ecker: ankle...status uncertain for MSU.

  • Jamar Adams: undisclosed, status uncertain for MSU.

  • Chris Graham: right thigh injury, status uncertain for MSU

These Night Games Could End Up Killing Someone

It's a long drive from Ann Arbor to Minneapolis. It's a long night when a bar offers 2-for-1 on all drinks from 9pm to midnight. It's a long tailgate when the game starts at 7pm. It's a long but satisfying walk from the Michigan sideline to the Minnesota sideline to open that mystery box and pull out the Little Brown Jug.

It's a tough job to motivate a group of young men to get up for games every week. Somehow, Coach Carr has convinced his teams year after year that the Little Brown Jug is important, despite the fact that this rivalry has been grossly one-sided for the better part of the past century. He spins the yarn of the legend of Yost and the water jug on Michigan Replay, at the press conference, and to the team. For some reason, they seem to buy into it. Every time we win this game, even when we've won it sixteen straight times, we pull that jug out in celebration, jumping up and down like we clinched the wild card or something (*cough*).

Saturday wasn't much different. Michael Hart and his band of zone blockers were a ball-control machine, while Henne's air attack continued to amaze everyone with its laser accuracy. It seems that anytime he feels like it, Chad can look-off the safety and fire it to Manningham (or Arrington) for a touchdown. And though it wasn't all roses in one of our last trips to the Metrodome (new Gopher stadium in '09...yes!!!) it was never really in doubt. Michigan came out fast in this one, getting a 14-0 lead by way of two Henne-to-Arrington touchdowns, and would lead 21-7 at the half, which seemed like the fastest half of football ever. It was a scoreless second half until Henne-to-Hart was followed by a Hart 1-yard dive to make it 28-7. A Gopher touchdown with just under 5 minutes to play was followed by an on-side kick that was recovered by Minnesota. Embarrassingly, the only people there to see it were the remaining Michigan fans. I haven't seen a place clear out like that since Penn State '97. The Gophers took it all the way to the Michigan 8, but Cupito's last ditch effort fell incomplete. In the ultimate reverse flashback moment to last year, Michigan was just trying to run out the clock when Mike Hart busted a 53-yard run a la the ineligible Gary Russell in 2005. I thought we should kick the field goal just to be funny (and because Garret seems to be having problems) but instead we let Brandon Minor and Carlos Brown work out their legs as time expired. Michigan wins 28-14.

Our arrival on Friday allowed for a full campus bar tour. We hit Stub and HerbsBig Ten, and Sally's...and we were flabbergasted at the lack of people out on the eve of the big game. Every excuse in the book was given to us by the locals, from "tomorrow's a big day" to "there's probably more people in Dinkytown." But we had a good time with the few locals we did meet, and enjoyed the drink specials. It cost about $50 to incapacitate the three of us, with new tailgater Baby Gorilla feeling the effects well into Saturday.

On Saturday, we started with a trip to the famous "Al's Breakfast" where I consumed the best damn corned-beef hash ever made. The tailgate occurred in one of the seedier parts of Minneapolis about half a mile from the Metrodome, under a highway billboard, with very few people around. But we stood tall for 7 hours with Jambalaya, BBQ beef poor boys, and locally made subs.

A successful but arduous trip across the country...leaving just one more game of revenge. But we must not look ahead, because Sparty is coming to town this Saturday, and even though they are an embarassment to themselves, their fans, and their mothers, they can fix everything in one shot. Get ready folks...the longest home tailgate in Michigan history is on the horizon. The theme is Urban, so pull out the soul food recipes and get your livers ready.