"Staff" Predictions for Unhappy Valley

The Blue Jays didn't make the playoffs

There was a random tweet from the original Canadian this week requesting predictions from the staff, so I am here to oblige...even though he has the lowest attendance on the season out of the group of our now seemingly regular Canadians.  I have also put in a request to the committee for an award to be added for Canadian Tailgater of the Year.  It's going to be a difficult decision.  

Tuba says:

(I will not make jokes, I will not make jokes, I will not make jokes...)

Let's just say it's a good thing this Sandusky thing didn't go down in 2001.

Anyhow, we make our first trip to Penn State since 2010 and the McGloinfest. That wasn't fun but it was 2010. This is 2013. Remember what we were like in year two of a new coach after a disastrous child molestation scandal? No? Neither do I. But Penn State is living it right now. And as impressive a job Jim O'Brien has done with this team, they're still not where they need to be. But this is a road game and we have deficiencies on both sides of the line which is never good. But we're better all around and if Jake Ryan can even play 25% of the snaps it just might be enough to stop Penn State on that drive where we really need a stop.

Michigan 27 Penn State 24

Johnny Cleveland Says: 

Maybe were gaining momentum, maybe Penn St. isn't holding it together as well as we thought, maybe Jake Ryan is coming back, maybe Gardner is settled down, maybe the white out in hv will rattle him, maybe were decent, maybe Indiana is decent, maybe were 5-0, maybe we will be 5-7?  Maybe it’s the most peculiar team in mid-October we have had, maybe that weird guy will be sitting by the godfather again.  

Maybe we win 31-21. 

The Webmaster Says: 

I will make jokes.  I will make jokes.  I will make jokes. 

To clarify what Tuba means by his reference to 2001... I once requested by megaphone that the student body and PSU fans at the tailgate in Happy Valley "bring me the head of Joe Paterno,"  and then compared them directly to the group of terrorists that brought down the World Trade Center just a few weeks after 9/11.  What's more taboo than that?  I was attacked with a bloody mary and a skirmish erupted that almost ended Bubba and Stephen's streak at 50.

But that was twelve years ago.   I am older and wiser and more mature now.

We're going to need to get to the quarterback.  Get to him.  Bring him down.  Pin him down.  Like a wrestler.  Here, let me show you.  Oh wait, um, no, no, we were just practicing.

Our goal should be to beat them so bad that if Mike McQueary is looking on they promote him again so he won't talk about just how much we dominated.

But that's probably not going to happen.  Especially now that I've made light of the whole scandal thing.  I'm usually punished for things like this.  Plus, Michigan does two things poorly...defend mobile quarterbacks and defend long passes.  This Hackenburg guy throws some long passes.  There will be long completions.  Devastating ones.  I think we may be able to grind it out, and we might only need old 98 to pull half a rabbit out of his hat a couple of times.  If he stays calm and doesn't do anything really stupid, we should get out of there with a narrow victory.

Michigan 28 - Penn State 27

Staff Predictions: Notre Dame

Tuba: 

Tuba once ranted and hinted at racism in South Bend while picking apart Charlie Weiss's contract.  And his prediction for tomorrow...

Michigan 31 - Notre Dame 20

Johnny Cleveland: 

First, I give you Johnny's Notre Dame preview from 2006.  Then I give you his prediction for tomorrow:

Michigan 21 - Notre Dame 13

The Webmaster:

My recap of last year's loss.  And my prediction for tomorrow...

Michigan 17 - Notre Dame 13

Central Michigan: Staff Predictions

Tuba says: 

In my 20 year association with Michigan Football, by far the shortest tenured relationship of the over 30 crowd in our tailgate, I have never been so calm entering a season. (Please don't fact check any previous posts to disprove this sentiment as it's possible I said the same thing last year). But what is so wonderful about 1. not having ridiculous "undefeated" expectations and 2. a general calmness about our team, is that there is an air of confidence that was lacking in previous years. And that confidence is derived from a coaching staff we support, love and have faith in. When was the last time THAT happened?! It's really quite amazing. Even the Moeller and Carr years were riddled with uncertainty about play calling and overall philosophy. 

There are paradigms established with the Hoke staff that create a sense of comfort and confidence. From recruiting to game management and coaching. The defense will be good and I vaguely know the players involved. Why am I so confident? Because they were good last year thus they'll be good this year. That's just how it works these days. Offense? Not sure but it will be FUN to watch! What?! Wow! Football is fun? Dare I even suggest entertaining?! Rich Rod had some entertaining moments. And then there were moments of utter catastrophe. This is not dissimilar to Carr, except Carr's fall from grace was his loss of enthusiasm for the game in later years as opposed to utter incompetence in regards to an entire half of a football team! (Well, of course, Carr did start sucking at recruiting and hiring Debord again...Oh no, I feel like I'm slipping into a Carr bashing session...wait, stop...I can't...This is supposed to be a celebration...) 

However Hoke is different. And yet...the same. We love him for many of the same qualities that we love Michigan. He embodies the ideas that establish the archaic description of honor we bestow upon our great athletes, for he too is a Michigan Man. But a Michigan Man not just of the past but of the present and future. And the future is oftentimes what was missing around here. So welcome to the present and the future, and may those combinations honor our past in a victory on Saturday and a 10 win season.

Johnny Cleveland: 

With full disclose I am writing the JC CMU preview after reading Tupa's, but I really like how your mind is thinking .  A lot of good ideas, however unlike Big Rob over on State, I do know this defense and its got a chance to be not good, but bordering on great.  Three deep up front with quality and depth on the back side are unique to all of since long long ago.  Although this is a Central preview, I am not going lie, missing two captains on the D is making me weary of next weeks night game.  So use this week to study your program and #'s as we are our memories are used to only having to know 11 numbers on D and now we need to data base 30.  This is a good problem!!  The Offense is an enigma to me..  DG looked very good at times last year but his low release never will be accepted by me as acceptable.  No good QB throws like this but then again Inktowns finest does have a "magic" aura about him, so who the F knows?  Add that to a really suspect receiving core, who just lost the clear #2 receiver, who was also an unknown, and the passing game looks like Funchess or bust.  Now combine that with a certain career ending injury returning as the backfield work horse, how is this going to work? I actually was going to root for Central Saturday but then my rooting interest warned me to "remember App State", so I fled that cause but still wish him well!  Blue wins 41-17 but really keep it bland for us in week 1.  Pork tailgate is the most exciting thing for most of us Saturday but our expectations will get the Michigan obligatory unrealistic week 1 raise and we all know that isn't good for anybody. Like Tupa I can throughly enjoy a plausible calm of progressive conservatism, a level of rediculousness in recruiting gives extra excitement but when we only win by 6 maybe we realize were still building.  So in the end hold your heads high as no other tailgate in America on Saturday will likely be ingesting pork belly hash for breakfast and Piglet for lunch!  Its getting close boys, get READY!

 The Webmaster: 

No bullshit, I just wrote like 3 solid paragraphs on this game, blasting Sparty and Kirk Ferentz in the process, but it disappeared.  Oh well.  I already said my peace on the season.  For the game, Michigan wins 38-10.  So take CMU and the 31.5 points.  We aren't showing anybody anything before UTL2...and probably not even then.  Let's eat pig.

Staff Predictions for Michigan Agricultural College

From Tuba:​

Not dissimilar to Illinois, Michigan State sucks (hey, a theme!) Unlike Illinois, however, MSU should provide a challenge for our offense, and by challenge I mean, not let us do whatever we want. Thus my prediction is that we'll score 24 points. Being that its a rivalry game and all, that could vary slightly in either direction. But, the fact that we haven't won this game in awhile, MSU really is terrible and this game is at home and we have Denard and Denard on Defense (thank you Jake Ryan) I really like our chances. We'll win by a minimum of 14. Just depends on how many MSU scores. Greg Mattison etc...24-10 Blue! (But it could be a Notre Dame 2007 type situation in which we just crush these dudes 38-0)​

From Frankie:​

Cha Woo-jin, a South Korean music critic, told The Chosun Ilbo that "Gangnam Style"'s sophisticated rendering and arrangement has made it very appealing to the general public.  Choe Kwang-shik, the South Korean Minister of Culture, Sports and Tourism, told reporters that "Gangnam Style" had played an important role in introducing the Korean culture, language, and lifestyle to the rest of the world.  However, some have criticized the song for failing to accurately represent South Korean culture. Oh Young-Jin, managing editor of The Korea Times, wrote that the dance has more to do with Americans than Koreans.

In Japan, the song has met with considerable criticism. When "Gangnam Style" first appeared in Japanese TV shows in July, the reaction from viewers was negative. As a result, Psy's Japanese record label YGEX cancelled a previously planned Japanese version of "Gangnam Style".  According to The Dong-a Ilbo, a South Korean newspaper, the song's lukewarm reception in Japan could have been caused by a diplomatic conflict between the two countries.

Immediately after its release, "Gangnam Style" was mentioned by various English-language websites providing coverage of Korean pop culture for international fans, including Allkpop and Soompi.  Simon and Martina Stawski, a Canadian couple living in Seoul who were among the first to parody "Gangnam Style" in late July, wrote that the song has the potential to become "one of the biggest songs of the year".  However, during an interview with Al Jazeera a few weeks later, Martina Stawski claimed that the worldwide popularity of "Gangnam Style" has been viewed negatively by some K-pop fans, because "they [the fans] didn't want K-pop being liked by other people who don't understand K-Pop". This view is also supported by Promi Ferdousi, a K-Pop fan who wrote that the song "has managed to find its way into our clubs while the best K-pop songs are limited to niche groups on social-media websites."

Smart Guys 17 - Dumb Guys 10

Staff Predictions for Purdue

Hey, a bye week is a bye week.  Bite me.​

Tuba says:​

Back to the drawing board coming off the bye. I can't imagine 1. going 2-3 to start the season, 2. losing to Purdue more than once every 10 years and C. the offense not getting their shit together.

Plus, if Romney can struggle to get his own party's nomination and then obliterate the incumbent, Michigan can surely turn things around despite what appears to be a bleak outlook.

Michigan 31 Purdue 21

​The Webmaster Says:

We don't lose Big Ten openers coming off a bye week (just a guess...not sure if we have even ever opened the Big Ten season coming off a bye).  But we also never play well in Ross-Ade.  However, we should be able to get some kind of offensive rhythm going against a defense that is susceptible to a halfway decent offense, which is what we have when we're not being stupid.  Purdue will find a way to keep it close for a while, but barring any hook-and-laterals and assuming Denard will not be given the option to throw five passes let alone five interceptions...I think this is where we announce our intention to compete in this shitty league.

Michigan 38 - Purdue 16​