Prozac and the Art of Michigan Football

​I'm so not interested in doing this. I'm not ready, and you don't care. You've heard it all. The apocalypse, the aftermath, the haters, the lovers. Nothing I'm going to say is new or profound. But we were on a roll here at UMTailgate.com. Lot's of posts, lot's of activity, and a great tailgate. So I feel it has to be done. Moving on, moving forward, or whatever. So, on with the chlorophyll...

My name is Frank, and I love Michigan Football. So much so that it hurts. Every single year it hurts, and honestly, it's more a matter of when, not if, I will be disappointed. And still I love it. Each and every year, I go into the season as a fan, with a giant pile of prejudice, and let everyone that will listen know that Michigan is going to win every game they play. And I believe it. I really do. I don't know how to say were going to lose. I don't know what it means to not believe in this team.

But at some point, inevitably, they lose. 
I've seen rough starts, like the many seasons that were ended early by Notre Dame or (fill in any west coast road trip here.) I've seen rough finishes, like we've had the last few years. I've seen us lose to our far inferior in-state rival. I've seen us give up the Little Brown Jug on our home field. I've seen Iowa come in to Michigan Stadium and smoke us on homecoming. I've seen us lose in a shoot out to Northwestern in Evanston. I saw the Hail Mary. However, I've never seen anything like what I saw on Saturday. And that doesn't make me very unique, because as I have been painfully reminded throughout this terribly long holiday weekend, no one has.

Fool me once, shame on you...fool me 15 times, and I become the fool? Perhaps. But there's an odd consistency to this program that beckons me as the leaves begin to change. We usually win, and for some reason, that's enough for me. And while I dream of the day that we become the Nebraska of the mid-90's, the early 90's Florida State, or the current USC...running off a three year clip with one or two total losses...I'm willing to wait for it. Maybe forever. Meanwhile, I'm content of being the Michigan of the 1900's and 2000's.

Perhaps that's what makes me different than you, or perhaps you feel the same way.

As for the on-field recovery, or rebuilding, or whatever it is...I just don't know. What will it take for me to forget what happened? Blunt head trauma I suspect. But I have found solace in the "bad" Michigan teams over the years. Every win becomes a big win. Who wants to be the team that lost to the team that lost to Appalachian State? No one. But we WILL win games this year. And maybe each one will be sweeter because we are not supposed to win. With each win, we eliminate a team that can throw ASU in our face. There are 119 teams in Division 1-A college football...we can shut up 11 of them.

So, see you Saturday?

10 Things You Might Not Know About the Next 5 Months

10) Wisconsin will lose this weekend to Washington State. And on the off chance that they don't, Wisconsin will lose to Iowa in their Big Ten opener. They might lose both. In either case, there will be a mass scramble by the media to remind you that the Big Ten sucks.

9) Michigan's Offense will not be as spectacular as advertised. Michigan's defense will not be as horrible as advertised.

8) The Wolverines will have two players in the top 5 in the Heisman voting in December.

7) Iowa not having to play Michigan is equally important as Michigan not having to play Iowa.

6) A player from Ohio State will be kicked off the team for something shady that involves boosters, money, cars, or flack jackets and hatchets.

5) An Ohio State fan will be dumb enough to buy Mike Tyson's poop. He will then be retarded enough to throw it at a random Michigan fan after the game on November 17th.

4) Defense will cease to win championships.

3) If the Wolverines are undefeated for the month of September, then they will also be undefeated at the end of November.

2) Michigan's toughest game in the Big Ten will be in Champaign, Illinois.

1) The Wolverines will play in New Orleans in January...whether it's on the 1st or the 7th, we'll have to wait and see.

The Jerk Store Called, and They're Running Out of Henne

​*** UPDATE *** Just now saw this same story on MGoBlog....with almost the exact same ideas of "fill in a word for 'jerk'."  Whoops.  Obligatory, unintentional (I swear) non-plajoristic link to MGoBlog's post of the same color goes here.  TMatt can vouch for me...he was on the phone with me when I wrote it.

*** UPDATE UPDATE *** 

EDSBS actually had it first

...I'm sooooooo behind on my blog reading.

Just wanted to make a quick midweek link to the Angel's latest article, which is one of the oddest things I've ever read.  Chad Henne, who is 1500 yards and 2 touchdowns away from removing John Navarre from the Michigan record books, has apparently become a (jerk) during the offseason.  I use parenthesis because the article does:

"It's kind of like being a (jerk) at all times when we're practicing," said Henne, Michigan's four-year starter at quarterback. "If you're not being a (jerk) to them, it's not like they won't respect you, but it's a different look in their eyes -- that, 'OK, we're here to concentrate, we're here to focus and we're here to play hard all the time."

Sooooo, why the parenthesis?  What was the word that was actually used that facilitated the necessity of those ambiguous parens?  I feel like it might have been "asshole."  What if it was "asshole" ?

It's kind of like being a asshole at all times when we're practicing," said Henne, Michigan's four-year starter at quarterback. "If you're not being a asshole to them, it's not like they won't respect you, but it's a different look in their eyes -- that, 'OK, we're here to concentrate, we're here to focus and we're here to play hard all the time.

Fill in your own expletive...prick? dick?  Could it possibly the c-word?  I'm really confused.

In other news...

Mike Hart has been listed as a preseason candidate for the Doak Walker award, trying to become just the second Wolverine ever to win it.  He also needs just 794 yards to pass Anthony Thomas and become Michigan's all-time leading rusher.

Presser Quietly Addresses F--- Lion

​Lloyd Carr addressed the media today in the first "game-inspired" press conference of the 2007 season. Things you can take away from it are as follows:

• Despite the rich history of seasons and the extensive use worldwide of the Roman calendar, Lloyd insists that fall began back at the end of July.


• Appalachian State is the best team ever.


• We can only run to the left, and Chad Henne may have to roll out to the left on every snap so he doesn't die. More to the point, our offensive line is in a bit of trouble on the right hand side. Mitchell is out, and a freshman named David Molk might get some serious PT at RG. Looks like Steve Schilling is solidly in at RT.


• Kevin Grady is running. (Forgot about him during the injury report..whoops) Still a lengthy rehab ahead.


• Ryan Mallet should see some time under center...a reason to stay for the second half.


• There is no fullback on the depth chart...which makes some people think we are going to run a spread offense or something. Get a grip. Hand off to Hart. Hand off to Hart. Hand off to Hart. Toss bomb to Mario. That's our offense, and you love it.


• The placekicking job isn't quite resolved yet. You know what? If you've three kickers...that means you don't have one.

Then there is the issue of Marques Slocum's facebook page. As reported throughout the internet, Marques had a cute little Q&A session...with himself...and posted the results on his facebook page. It was originally picked up by Everyday Should Be Saturday, and is quite a read. No, really, if you missed it, you should read it right now. It was also picked up by Deadspin here. Note to all student athletes: No MySpace, no Facebook, no pictures, no dog-fighting, and no f--- lions. Regarding Mr. Slocum, Lloyd says:

We'll make our dress list this week, so you might want to check that out when you get to the game.

It's a different world out there folks. I bet you never thought you'd see the day when someone was benched "due to internet."

***UPDATE*** There's now a T-Shirt available from the boys of EDSBS.

2007 Game Preview: Appalachian State University

3.  Offense:  Multiple Single Back Sets

4.  Defense:  4-3

5.  2006 Record: 14-1 (7-0 Southern Conference)

6.  Star Watch:

Five ASU players are Pre-Season All Americans (RB Richardson, QB Edwards, DB and Buck Buchanan Award Candidate Corey Lynch, OG Kerry Brown, and CB Jerome Touchstone)

Senior Running Back Kevin Richardson-(5'9, 190) This former walk-on won the Southern Conference Offensive Player of the Year Award and is now a Walter Payton Award Candidate.  He averaged well over 100 yards per game as he ran for 1,676 yards (All time school record) and 30 TD's (All time DII record) last year as a Junior including 179 yds and 4 TD's in Championship Game. 

Sophomore QB Armanti Edwards- Last year's National Freshmen of the year was second on the team in rushing easily surpassing the 1,000 yd mark for the season.  Scored 15 TD's on the ground and averaged over 6 yds per scamper.  Also threw for over 2,000 yds.  (150 per game with a 60 percent completion percentage)

Junior Linebacker Pierre Banks-Led the team with over 100 tackles last season playing the wide side linebacker spot.

Redshirt Freshmen CoCo Hillary-Yes the second 'C' is capitalized.  This slot receiver/return specialist has dazzled in the fall workouts, is a threat to break a big one!

The Series

These two schools have never met and this is ASU's first ever trip to the state of Michigan.  It is also ASU's first ever matchup against a Big Ten Conference Team.   ASU is 45-29-3 in season openers and 6-29-1 vs. DI squads.  Their last victory over a DI school came in 2000 vs. Wake Forest.

Fast and Fun Facts

• ASU is a perfect 2-0 all time in instant replay challenges! 


• ASU's next opponent is the Lenoir-Rhyne Bears, enrollment 1,600!


• ASU is a perfect 15-0 when Richardson eclipses the 100 yd mark!


• One of ASU's title sponsors is Hardee's.  (I really miss the "fixins" bar and their commecials on the website are sweet!)


• In an online poll, as of yesterday, 71% of ASU fan's biggest concern about the game was stopping our offense.


• ASU players are referred to as "APPS" and the stadium is nickname "The Rock"


• They have a "Tailgate of the Game Award" for each home game

*Appalachian State University football's preparations for the defense of its back-to-back NCAA Division I football national championships and 2007 season opener at Michigan will be chronicled for a 30-minute documentary as part of Fox Sports Net's popular Under the Lights series.